Thrill of the hunt.

The Captain didn't have anything to say to her response to his continuing accusations, but now that she seemed to be going along with him about it, it wasn't quite as much fun to be accusing; so he dropped it.


“Eat as much of this as you can stomach and I promise you will have your alcohol.” It wasn’t so much a bribe as it was her letting him know she had to follow the Healers orders. He had to eat first before she could do anything about his pain.

Toshiro could handle those kinds of orders. His eyes were on her intently as she blew on the broth to offer it to him. Being with her like this pleased him even if the circumstance was less than desirable for him. Eating obediently until the drudge returned with a bottle of liquor in hand, he reached out pointing for it even as he was in the middle of swallowing another mouthful of the broth given to him. Before he could request the alcohol though, he realized he'd moved too abruptly and it only caused the burning to shoot trough his side more intensely. Toshiro wanted to double over, trying to relax the abdominal and oblique muscles that had tensed. He'd cringed through it but not allowed himself to make any other real noise in complaint. Though, he did have to hold his breath for a moment before he could continue, "Fine. More broth."

Obviously he wasn't happy about that; he would have drank half the bottle of liquor brought to his bedside just then if he thought Ari would let him. And when Lyria returned to the room, he was even less pleased to have to stop taking his broth in order to accommodate for her chatter. For now, he was trying to be polite -by not saying anything at all, and simply watched between the two women.


“You look like you are feeling better. Ariadne is a wonderful nurse. She won’t allow you to feel uncomfortable.” The girl was talking about a mile a minute but when she started it was hard to slow her down, “Not just here for pleasantries though, I have to pass along some information from our Master. You cannot go back to fighting any time soon. The wound needs to heal completely. “

Of course he was feeling better -because Ariadne was taking care of him. She was the best nurse for him. He might have mentioned that just then, but Lyria's mention of being made to sit out of the Guard for a while completely distracted him. "I can't follow that order -no matter who its from. In two or three days I'll be able to return to moderate pract..." But the girl didn't seem to care, and must have assumed he was a much more agreeable patient than he truly was, because she continued chatting.

Though he was still trying to dwell on the Master Healer's orders, Toshiro couldn't help but turn a shade or two of red when Lyria went on to talk about getting him bathed. He tried several times to find an opened to jump into the conversation to share his own suggestion as the patient involved, but Lyria was not giving him that chance. So once she'd left, being out of ear shot, the Captain grumbled, "I will only allow for you to care for me." Then, in a more hushed tone, "Because you understand me." Perhaps he'd wanted to add something else to that thought, but that was all that he was able to speak of it.

"About the alcohol..." He might need it once that Lyria girl came back.

When she was gone, Ariadne turned her attention back to Toshiro completely. Her cheeks flushed a little when he spoke. “I already told you I’m caring for you all of today. The Master Healer won’t change his mind.” Ariadne reached for the alcohol when he asked. “Alright. Now don’t drink so much that you are going to be unmanageable or I’ll find someone else to take care of you.” She said as a warning. She gave him the bottle, making sure it was firm in his grasp.

Before she could comment further, Lyria was back and grinning from ear to ear. “Turns out since we took on the Captain’s wounds, we are both responsible for his care which includes making him clean.” And no she wasn’t at all concerned about how they were going to pull this off. That was until Ariadne asked her.

“How exactly are we going to get him clean? Hmmm? The two of us won’t be able to carry him to the bath.” As much as she wanted to help Toshiro out of this situation, there was little she really could do. Lyria was a healer and was able to order her to do things whether she wanted to or not.

Before answering, Lyria rushed off. Ari looked at Toshiro, “I don’t know what she is up to but I don’t think you are going to like it. Now hand over the bottle before you drink it all.” She knew Lyria could be a bit over the top but she was good at healing and wasn’t that the important thing. Ariadne usually enjoyed the girl’s company. The situation with her was what she objected to. If it were someone else laying here then she wouldn’t care.

“Here she comes with help it appears.” Ariadne informed him. Some male drudges were going to help carry him. “Lyria won’t it be painful if we move him?”

“Cannot be helped Ari. We need to get him clean. I’ve sent down to the barracks for something he owns that is clean for him to wear.” She knew what she was doing, even if it might seem she was a bit over zealous. He needed to be clean or they risked further infection to his wounds. It really wouldn’t matter who he was, he would need this to be done. That he was handsome only made things more fun for her.

Ariadne squeezed his hand once before moving away from him. The men lifted him without touching his side, trying to keep him as steady as possible. It was probably a good thing he had been drinking before all of this began to happen. There was a tub set up behind a partitioned corner of the infirmary. The water looked warm but not scalding hot. Someone had been heating water before they even knew of Lyria’s plan.

While the men held on to him, Lyria went to work, taking his shoes off, socks off and moved up to his pants. “now, gently in the tub please.” She addressed the men who lowered Toshiro as gently as they could manage into the tub. ”Ari bring the sweet sand.”

For Faranth’s sake she wanted no part of this however he did say he wanted her with him so she supposed it would be worse if she opted out. Bringing the sweet sand in with her, she gave him an apologetic glance. She really had no say in any of this. Kneeling down next to the tub, she took a handful of sweet sand and began to rub it into his wet skin. On the other side of him Lyria had begun to do the same.
Ariadne didn’t like the way Lyria was looking at him. She didn’t like it in the least but she tried to focus on getting him as clean as possible as quickly as she could. She had the side where his major injury was though she began to see scars and cuts all over his torso. Her eyes moved up to his face for the briefest moment.

Lyria was never quiet she began talking almost immediately about him being clean for his friends to come and see him. “If Lord Rihan should visit we’ll have to make sure you look well cared for. Ari and I could be in trouble if you don’t. I very rarely bathe the men that come in at the Healer Hall, but mostly women and babies and more women who just had babies. I specialize in pregnant women and childbirth you see. “

Ari began to smile because she was almost certain that Toshiro was wishing someone else was talking or that no one at all was talking right about now. She was trying very hard not to laugh at the situation they were in. “Childbirth can be complicated. How many women have you seen die?”

“You might be surprise but many many women do die. They come to the Hall when they are extreme cases of course. I was cut out of my mother’s womb. She died. I guess its part of the reason why I’m so interested. Ari you were quite lucky that you had no complications.” She added, knowing of Ariadne’s daughter and past situation.

“Yes, well being young and fit must help.”

“It does indeed. Although I suspect since your mother had so many children, it runs in the family.”

“My mother nearly died giving birth to me as well. She was a bit older though and I think the travelling they were doing wore her out more than anything. ”

Talking about all of this was sure to make Toshiro bored and it kept Lyria from looking at him like he was the best thing ever created on Pern. In fact the bath was going better than she had anticipated. Mostly she had kept her emotions in check. Besides if Lyria did like him, who was she to get in her way? It was obvious that Toshiro was not interested in her as anything more than a good friend. She needed good friends so she didn’t mind…well she might mind a little but she would get over it.

Toshiro was glad that Ariadne would stay with him as long as he somewhat behaved and did as she asked. He couldn't really find reason to complain about that. The Captain would do what it took to be with her.

Accepting the bottle from her hands, he brought it to his lips, drinking rather quickly. He wanted to get enough liquor in his system but not to the point he'd not be able to control himself and end up killing someone if he got angry again. The liquor however, actually calmed his nerves a bit, so that when Lyria rushed back in, he wasn't too unpleasant toward her.


Even before Lyria returned with helpers, Toshiro was swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He may have received terrible wounds but he wasn't an invalid. He could still move -if he wanted to. Having someone to lean on as they moved to the bathing room was a definite help though; he still greatly favoured that side of him that had been practically impaled, and his strength was incredibly lacking compared to normal. The Captain held his left arm close to that side as if clutching it would ease the discomfort while the radiating pain caused him to limp more or less, since it still caused him to want to double over.

The pain was actually worse now than when he first received the wound because at the time, the extreme adrenalized focus he maintained while fighting diminished everything else -including pain.

By the time all of this had happened and they had made it to the partitioned off corner of the infirmary, the liquor had had a bit of a chance to set in. After all, he'd had little to eat in several days and broth certainly wasn't going to help the effects of it.

To stand there while Lyria got to undressing him, he didn't need the help of the drudges, so he shouldered away from their assistance, trying to keep himself composed as best he could. Of course, being raised in a Guard Training hall, Toshiro had little inhibition about undressing infront of men or seeing them undress; likewise, being a man, he had pretty much non existent inhibitions about taking off his clothes infront of women. Especially after drinking. Inhibition was even less.

The Captain's eyes must have been smoldering as he watched Ariadne, unabashed by the fact he was now standing naked before her. Though...it did ruin his moment that Lyria was present. Toshiro didn't seem to notice the apologetic look in her eyes because soon he started commenting on things that were probably only about to make her feel even more awkward.

It was Ari he addressed, "Since you can't lay your head in my lap, you could just get in the water with me." So things were starting off mild. The drudges helped him into the deep tub and he found the temperature of the water to be somewhat of a relief though his cuts still stung -but the alcohol was helping numb his senses enough, the pain was no longer as severe.

While the women washed him, covering his filthy body in a suds of scrubbing bubbles, he tried to stay quiet and listen to their conversation without interrupting; but Ari was right, it bored him.

The pressure applied to his side as Ariadne's hands scrubbed him caused him to hold his breath for a moment. Toshiro breathed a few shallow breaths, feeling the pain a bit more intensely again, but he was silent through it. Lusty brown eyes met her own as he took hold of her wrist; not just because the applied pressure caused discomfort. Trying to imagine what she was thinking just then, Lyria hadn't noticed yet that he'd taken Ari's arm and her noise was disruptive to him.

"Girl." He broke the intimate stare between he and Ariadne to shoot Lyria a grim glower, "You're such a nuisance. Stop talking. And if you're done, you can leave us." And without waiting for a reply, Toshiro had taken the cloth from her hand that she scrubbed him clean with, and pressed her palm to to his chest, over his heart, where she could feel it pounding. He hardly cared if Lyria was still with them since it was Ariadne his focus was on. The Captain didn't mind anyone else knowing it was she that he prized.

A mischievous smirk found his lips about then, "There's still one part you haven't cleaned yet. You can spend as much time cleaning that as you like...but you won't need this." Toshiro tossed the cloth with sweet sands on it over the edge of the tub, meeting Ari's eyes again intently, and he held onto her wrist. If he wasn't injured he might have even tried to pull her into the bath with him, but doing such a thing was still too physically discomforting to him to try at present.

She went fifty shades of red in about two seconds. The alcohol was doing its work all right. Besides the tub’s water was now quite filthy from his own dirt and grime and blood. “What makes you think I would get into that water?” She said as a way of blowing him off without insulting him or his inebriated state of mind. The Toshiro she knew would have been more discreet about this. Everyone heard rumors about the Guards and whom they were sleeping with. She didn’t want to be another conquest of his or any man’s for that matter. She held herself in too high of a regard for that.

When he grabbed her wrist, she turned her eyes to meet his own. She could sense from them and from his touch what he wanted if his words had not previously given it away. The longer he looked at her, the harder it was to resist. She was actually a little relieved that Lyria had taken his attention off of her for a moment. Ariadne had seen Toshiro be cruel before and he often didn’t seem to realize or care exactly what he was saying. Now more than ever since he was under the influence of the alcohol she had given him, he seemed unaware of the damage he might be causing.

Lyria didn’t particularly like being ignored but she was used to people not being nice to her. Most adults found her to be too chatty. The nicest person here was Ariadne so it didn’t really surprise her that the Captain found her to be annoying now. She was too upbeat to really let people take her down most of the time. She was new here though and had been hoping the fresh start would mean she would finally find a place she belonged in. His words hurt her more than he might understand. Ari on the other hand saw the pained look in the healer’s eyes and shot her a quick glance of concern. Lyria did do as the Captain wanted though and left him with Ariadne.

Even as his hand had moved hers to his chest, she felt herself growing angrier. Ari was not going to let him get away with being cruel, “Why would you say something like that to her? She has been saving your life since the moment you were brought here the least you could do was be polite. You have more in common with her than you realize Toshiro. She has no family and few friends. She was brought up an orphan like yourself. I don’t know why I’m arguing this with you right now, you are obviously drunk.” It might be this was a way to diffuse the sexual tension she was feeling as well.

Shaking her head at his lusty behavior, “Seeing as you were able to pick up a bottle and hold it to your lips, I am thinking you are more than capable of cleaning that for yourself. I will however dry you off when you are ready and see you back to your bed.” She was afraid to say anything about her own feelings. If she did nothing, he would think she didn’t care at all and that was almost worse. She bit her lip for a moment.

After a short pause she said, “You have no idea how hard you are to resist.”

Seeing Ariadne so upset, it made Toshiro angry. Not only because he'd pained her in some way, but because he felt like he'd just ruined anything good they had going between them. Ariadne must really think him a jerk. He'd be lucky if she stayed with him at the infirmary now. That thought of being alone here without her depressed him. The thought of being without her anywhere depressed him, and that sobered him tremendously.

When would he learn to keep his mouth shut or how to say the right things? The Captain felt hopeless and began to wonder again why he'd been brought back to be amoungst the living. He was an animal. A destructive animal capable of nothing else, and how could he even dream that Ariadne would want to be with him when she deserved so much better than he could ever offer her. She deserved another Evander.


Regardless of what either woman believed, Toshiro did feel guilty -now that Ari brought it up- for hurting Lyria's feelings. He didn't openly admit it of course, but remained quiet, listening as Ari berated him for his thoughtless behaviour. In truth, at that moment, he wasn't sure if he cared about Lyria's past. He didn't want to know, didn't need to know, because his only concern was for Ariadne. It was her fault! Because it was she who saved him.

The Captain held his words until he had finished washing and then used his right hand and arm to support himself as he got up from the deep tub. Since the sides were deep, it took some gritting his teeth through the pain in his side to get over the edge of the tub, and when he got there, he stood slowly. It took a moment for him to look up at her and meet her eyes, searching them for any ounce of forgiveness he desired.


After a short pause she said, “You have no idea how hard you are to resist.”

So the barest minimum of hope still survived? Her words brightened his mood again just a little. If nothing else, it gave him something to think about, though he didn't respond right away.

As Ariadne brought the towel to dry him, he let her rub the towel over his body, waiting until he was nearly dry to reach out to her. Taking her by the shoulders, he drew her into him, folding his arms around her, embracing her. Wet hair still streaming rivulets of water down his face and neck, he pressed his cheek against hers just long enough to whisper into her ear -the fervidness of his sentiment probably having been aroused by the tension between them earlier; he could no longer keep it to himself. "It was you who saved me, Ariadne. There was no one else." He spoke her name gently, like a lover, and in his inebriated state, found it difficult not to reveal more.

Using up all his will power to resist doing anything else that might further infuriate her, the Captain took up the clothes from where they'd been folded nearby, sitting on a stool there, behind the partition, to get his clothes on.

In the process, at least one of the stitches ripped, that stressed area of the wound starting to bleed again, but he either didn't care or didn't notice. Toshiro's body was feeling incredibly weary again, and he knew he'd barely be able to make it back to his bed by himself.

Since it was dark outside by now, it would be time to sleep, and Toshiro was grateful for that, even if he knew only nightmares awaited him. Always favouring that left side, the Captain started off slowly to his bed, the weariness beginning to show on his face again though he appeared ever determined to make it there on his own.

While he brooded in silence she felt worse and worse for having said anything. Still it had been the right thing to do. Lyria deserved an apology and now she would probably get one. However the time she had spent earlier trying to make him feel wanted here in the world was likely undone. Ariadne could not express herself as clearly as she wanted to around him. He was acting as one does when they have been hurt. She should take a care to think about what she said to be hurtful as well. She allowed him his privacy from the others getting out of the tub. Drying him off, she touches his skin with the towel as gently as she could.

Despite his searching glances she wasn’t sure how he was feeling at all now or if he wanted to talk to her at all. His sudden movement caught her off guard. Her heart pounded in her chest so that her ears could barely hear what he was saying through it. Ari didn’t know what to do then. She wanted to reassure him that she wasn’t going anywhere, that she cared for him. She had simply lost her voice in the moment he had whispered in her ear. Say something. Say something She felt so lost as to what to say that she lost the moment. If he never looked at her as more than a friend it would be her fault.

She allowed him to dress himself, the silence that ensued was almost filled with sadness for her. She should say something. What could she say? Her feelings were a jumbled mess because her head kept interfering in matters which should only concern her heart. “Toshiro.” Her voice came softly and even if she had not meant it in such a way it was endearing. She moved within inches of him, facing him. “Let me help you.”

Ariadne would have called herself a coward then but she really was so concerned about him walking by himself that she hadn’t thought to be romantic. She came up under his shoulder on his right side. “Lean on me.” And she knew he would not want help or to lean on her but she would feel better if he allowed her.

When they made it to his bed, she helped him up into it. The pillows had been placed where it would be comfortable to sleep. She stood next to him, watching him. She was plainly concerned for him. The Infirmary had grown quieter than before. Her hand moved to his brow where she tenderly brushed back his hair with her hand. Then she bent down and kissed his forehead gently. “Sleep well.” She said, moving away from the bed a little, her hand trailing down his arm as she walked away.

Ari had every intention of watching him through the night. “I’ll be back soon. I need to make sure my parents can watch Thessaly tonight.”

Toshiro wasn't sure what to think when Ariadne said nothing to him for the long few minutes it took for him to be dressed. He hadn't bothered putting on his shirt, but slung it over his shoulder for the time. As he was walking and Ari came up under his right arm to help him, Toshiro felt wanted again. Even if the young woman didn't mean to treat him any different just then than any other patient, her voice elicited such tender, warm, wonderful feelings from him. That right arm surrounded her shoulders and though he didn't lean on her with all his weight, he let her be of some aid; if anything, he was simply enjoying her being so near to him.

Every time that she was near, he felt her warmth radiate through him. Did he not notice it before he'd left for the mission? How could he not have? Or perhaps his learning to walk in the darkness within himself and coming so close to death made her light shine all the brighter to him. That must be it.

When Toshiro sat up on the bed, letting her tuck him in, he'd reached to take the cold cloth brought for his forehead earlier to place over his injury so that it could continue to sooth the area and help stop further bleeding. And...trying to be more considerate than he had been earlier, though his chin was tucked in to his chest, Toshiro's dark brown eyes gazed up at her through straggly wet bangs, managing a soft reply, "Thank you." The entire expression could have been described more like a puppy who'd done wrong, gazing up pitifully in hopes he'd been forgiven.


Then she bent down and kissed his forehead gently. “Sleep well.” She said, moving away from the bed a little, her hand trailing down his arm as she walked away.

She kissed him? Completely surprised, the Captain didn't know what to say or do. Ariadne's faint touch stole the breath from him and he wanted to reach out for her and bring her back to him. Goosebumps rose up on his skin and a shiver coursed down his spine, but he wanted to side with caution so that she wouldn't run away from him, so he kept his hands to himself.

"Should I go with you?" 'To make sure you're alright', were his unfinished thoughts. "You promise you'll come back?"


The alcohol in his system was helping coax him to sleep now that he was laying down again. Toshiro was already nodding off when she left the room.



=====================================================================================
It was in the midst of a funeral procession on a rainy day that Toshiro found himself standing outside, under a copse of old trees whose gnarled limbs offered a small measure of protection from dreary weather. The rain though, was like spit in the faces of those present who’d lost a loved one. Toshiro’s dreams took him back to that time, standing with them.

It was many years ago, when he’d just begun to understand what blood really tasted like, that he was there. He'd accepted his first assignments for the Guard and even disobeyed an order to get his first kill. He was already garnering a worthy reputation. If it was said that only the young could run with such passion, then his passion was dark and ruthless as he desired nothing more than ensuring the absolute protection of his Hold. So to serve his Hold, he raced boldly forward, believing that if only he could strike down all of those who opposed them in some way, their people would be safe, their power secure.

The funeral was for a man whom he’d killed. Having gone there to observe, like a friend -or at least a sympathetic bystander- Toshiro usually had no issue attending funerals yet.. having no words of comfort to offer the family made him feel fake.

More than anywhere else, at any time, there was no way that he belonged there.

Even as the rain fell in sheets, washing over his face, he felt vulnerable and perhaps... just a little bit scared. As if that rain would wash away the thin mask he wore to conceal the ugly truth within himself as the killer, he felt as though at any moment, his terrible deed might be discovered.

This was no cleansing rain. Surely the truth of him would be revealed. They would find out that it was he who’d killed their son, and they would turn on him and they would hate him, spitting on him like the rain. After all, men were not made to kill; it was over many years he'd become a corruption of humankind. Who could resist despising such a man as he?


While other guests filed in line to view the casket and speak a few words to the family, Toshiro felt as though his legs would not move. It was as if they were stuck in thick mud and just a very few moments swam by so slowly though it seemed more like many long minutes. Forcing his legs to move, he filed in line with other visitors to greet the family and give what heartfelt consolation they could offer. Grieving parents, siblings, in-laws and friends, were all there. So many had come to bid their final farewell.

The wailing cries of women filled the air through the sounds of the rain filtering through the trees; every cry tore through his heart. But this was his chosen path and he was too far into his training to turn back. He'd made a decision long ago and if he had to pay for it dearly, then this would be part of his payment. Watching families mourn the loss of a loved one was part of the reason he'd come here. He began learning how to harden his heart and how to close out the rest of the world if he had to.


Toshiro was at the front of the line now. For too long he stood there before the family of the one he’d slain, staring back at the coffin. Had they not seen through his mask? Did they not know he was their son’s murderer? Surely someone...?

No. The rain had not been enough to reveal his secret.

He looked into the tearful mother’s eyes, elderly as she was, she shouldn’t have to be put through such sorrow. There was no recognition in her gaze, so she asked, “You must be one of Sarrend’s friends. I truly appreciate your coming. What is your name, dear?”

“I-I...I’m...so sorry. For your loss.” Such hollow words wouldn’t even reach his own ears through the sound of the rain and of mourning that filled the air. Had he even spoken? Or simply thought the words to himself?

The elderly woman’s considerate response assured him that he’d indeed spoken aloud, but Toshiro could manage nothing more than a hesitant nod before ushering himself away.

After a while, he looked up at the cloud-covered sky, feeling the rain keenly upon his face. Gladly, he closed his eyes, keeping his face lifted to the sky where each individual raindrop could be felt in a little splash and a trickle.

Trickle.

Trickle.

Trickle.



Suddenly the sensation was uncomfortable and Toshiro felt unnaturally hot. His breathing grew heavier just before he came out of his sleep. His eyes opening to the dim light of Telgar River Hold’s infirmary,...it must have been still late at night.

One hand came to touch upon his cheek where he felt the rain drops on his face in that dream. The trickling was nothing more than a cold sweat that had come over him.

A cold sweat and... something else?

Streaming down his face... were tears.

Shaking her head she smiled at him, “Rest. I promise I will be back in less than a candlemark.” He would be asleep but in case he did wake up, someone would be there. That he wanted her around was enough. She would not leave it to someone else to stay and watch over him tonight. She tended to be a light sleeper since she had Thessaly. If anything were to bother him at night she would wake.

Before she could though, Ariadne had a few things she needed to do. She was trying to make her trip as quickly as possible. She did not want Toshiro to wake and not have her nearby. Her walk was fast paced enough that no one would stop and talk to her. She was home sooner than usual anyway. It only took a couple minutes to explain what was going on to her parents. She then scooped her daughter up and hugged her to her chest. Thessaly was just as happy staying with her grandparents. “Alright I’ll be back sometime tomorrow, depending on what the Healers need.”

She had failed to comment that she was staying at the infirmary tonight of her own volition. No one had ordered her to do so but she let them believe that was what was going on. Ari grabbed a quick bite to eat and changed into clean clothes. Then she was on her way back to the infirmary. When she returned Toshiro was sleeping soundly.

The day had been strenuous for her so though she tried to stay awake, she fell asleep in the chair next to his bed. She slept lightly so when Toshiro started to move in his sleep because of his dream, her eyes opened. She listened for his breathing to return to normal but it did not seem to be. So she leaned in closer to see him better.

What she observed was him crying. Taking his hand she gave it a gentle squeeze, “Toshiro, are you alright? You were having a bad dream.” She explained, still leaning over from the chair to search his face.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

For some reason it startled him when Ariadne came closer. In his dream he'd forgotten that he was in the infirmary and that she was there next to him. Of course, when he jumped in a bit of a start, it only tensed the muscles that had been injured, so he couldn't help but suck that next breath between teeth, recalling everything.

Ariadne was right. He was having a terrible dream. As he grew older, sometimes he felt as though his entire life was one big bad dream; but now he could be close to her. Somehow that made everything better. Slowly. But gradually better.

The Captain's hand came up to wipe away the tears and sweat of his dream. If he'd been awake, he would have been able to control it better. Toshiro never cried. He blamed it on the alcohol because he also rarely drank much.

Taking a couple of calming breaths, he wondered in the dim light, how much she'd seen. Though, after seeing him naked and in the terrible shape he'd been in earlier today, crying couldn't be much worse. At that, he supposed there was not much of a reason to hold back much around Ariadne anymore.

When Ari took his hand, giving it a squeeze, his fingers tightened around her own, feeling comforted by even that simple touch. Lowering his voice so that only between the two of them they'd be able to hear, he spoke as much to himself as to her, "It was just a bad dream. Like you said." In an even softer tone then, "No reason to worry."

For a long moment, Toshiro laid there with her hand in his, staring up at the ceiling in thought. Since the effects of the alcohol were beginning to wear off, he was more hesitant to speak what was on his mind. Which, from their prior experience, must be a good thing more oft than not. So, when he finally spoke up again, it was because he'd decided to open up to her because he wanted at least one person other than his adoptive father to understand him -someone who could be close to him in a way his adoptive father couldn't. Rihan also, was very different in his understanding of Toshiro. He and Toshiro had been around eachother a lot growing up and now the Captain served him very closely, but that was the extent of their relationship; Toshiro never talked to anyone openly unless that person was his adoptive father.

Still in whispers he spoke, though a bit absent-mindedly, "It was just a dream."

No, it wasn't. He repeated that thought aloud then, "No, it wasn't. It happened." That's why it had felt so real to him. That is why he cried the tears he had not been able to cry on that very day.

"I can't..." Toshiro, even though he'd decided that it was OK to open up to her, was having difficulty doing so, "It was a funeral. I went to a funeral a long time ago. I was remembering it in my sleep."

Shifting uncomfortably in bed, Toshiro felt awkward holding Ariadne's hand just then, but refused to let go of it. "I killed him."

Swallowing hard, he wondered aloud but very quietly, "Will you hate me too? I knew they would all hate me." But it didn't matter anymore, "I went to his funeral to watch the burial and witness the mourning. I had no right being there. Especially when his own mother spoke only kind words to me." Pausing but for a breath, he continued wondering aloud, "When I pass them by on the streets I wonder, if they knew it was me, what would they do?

"...you saw my scars. Every one of the men responsible died. I am told it's justified? I have always wondered if that's true."


“The first time I ever killed a man, all of my comrades congratulated me. They said I was very skilled. I killed a man in just one stroke of my sword." The sound of his voice was broken by a strained bit of laughter, partially because it hurt his side.

"I was thrilled. I was so proud of myself and I had done so well to keep calm afterwards. I didn't even get sick, like most men do after taking a man's life for the first time.

"But that night, I didn’t get any sleep. I had such feverish chills, and couldn't stop shaking.” Just like the chills that had come over him that afternoon in the infirmary when the memory of their battle came back to him.

Stopping there, Toshiro's eyelids felt heavy. He was still so tired he didn't feel as though he could hold any kind of real conversation. As his thoughts dwelled on that, he tried to turn over onto his side facing Ariadne. Holding onto her hand still, the other went to hold her hand also, cupping both sides of it. Toshiro's eyes closed; it was so difficult to stay awake even if sleep frightened him.

Yawning, the Captain uttered so quietly under his breath, "Telgar holds the key to a very powerful weapon. It has remained a secret for generations and it has been used countless... times to.... serve each... of...Holders." He was drifting off to sleep again, his body so worn out he couldn't even complete those last thoughts, though he would have woken if she tried to wake him.

Ariadne did not know how to console him other than to listen. She let him fumble through the words switching what he saw from a dream to a vision of the past. His feelings on this particular event were coming out now where he had left them buried for so long. He was admitting some sort of guilt over killing the man in the dream. Well it wasn’t like he was a Harper. It was part of his profession to kill people. “I do not hate you.” Her answer was soft and consolatory. His words reminded her of a child who was lost and did not know where to turn.

“Toshiro, no one blames you. I think that you blame yourself. Let it go. Let him go. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. “She tried to encourage him, to make him feel less angry at himself. What could she really do though? He was upset, visibly so and this dream was somehow plaguing him all of a sudden which was not helping in the least.

She had no real comfort for him because she had never killed anyone. She had no intention of doing so and therefore had no idea how great his guilt might be for taking lives. If he had scars it meant he had been fighting men who were just as well equipped as he was to fight. And it was probably life and death for him if the loser ended up dead.

Listening and watching him, she remained silent. He began to trail off about some weapon Telgar had. “Rest, you can tell me whatever else there is to say in the morning.” His hand still covered her own so she moved her chair close enough that she could keep her hand where is was comfortably resting in-between Toshiro’s hands. Yawning she tried not to drift off but found herself just as tired as Toshiro was.