Sweet Soliloquy

A couple of sevendays had gone by since Toshiro and Ariadne had begun moving their things, and even some new furniture, into their new home. Toshiro was still living primarily within the officer's barracks, but spent almost all of his off-duty time now at their home, gradually packing up his own few things. He'd insisted that Ariadne still spend her nights at the home of her parents, making sure someone had an eye out for her well-being, but now, things were at least orderly enough that the two of them could sleep under their own roof. For the sake of Ariadne's reputation, Toshiro was a little leery of staying with her frequently until they were married -which they would need to be soon if she was at all concerned about such things as reputation.

Toshiro didn't want anyone judging Ariadne wrongly. Likely, should he find out anyone thought wrongly of her, they would die.

That thought left Toshiro in the middle of an agreeable mental nod as he rolled over onto his side where he lay next to Ariadne. The room was dark, shadowed where moonlight streamed in through windows across from them. They had fallen asleep after lovemaking, curled up together where their bed sat in the middle of a room still bare of much else. Leaning up onto one elbow so he could view the woman's face more fully, her back being to him. Smiling, the Captain breathed a pleased sigh, finding himself feeling very peaceful as he watched her sleep. Moonlight splashed pale light over her face and shoulders, offering a serene glow that only accentuated her natural beauty.

Toshiro found it so easy to appreciate how pretty Ariadne was. Though as a man, there was natural sexual attraction, there were other reasons that attracted him to her as well; things that he could not easily ignore when considering just how he really felt about her.


Since his earliest memories of childhood, Toshiro’d lived a life of hardship, having been born to an era immersed in the lies of heated political turmoil and deeply carved misgivings that had led to murder. He’d heard it argued that perhaps the imminent return of the Red Star did not only effect the weather patterns of Pern, but also caused irregularity in the behaviour of humans. If the world itself seemed to be angry beneath their very feet at its coming, then couldn't the Sentient Red Star’s evil reach them, too?

Either way that one wanted to believe it, the era Toshiro had grown into adulthood in, was one of tremendous strife that hopefully, a younger generation of Telgar upbringing would be too young to remember, and as adults, never have to face. He’d fought what must have been a hundred battles and killed a thousand men -men he’d been told could only be his enemies, making him somehow glad of the opportunity to take their lives. Admittedly, even deriving some twisted sort of pleasure from the chance to see their faces contort in horror as they realized what inescapable fate had befallen them. He had watched comrades die, just as he'd watched the one person he loved in his most far distant memory, walk out on him, never to return.

Surely he was hardened to the dark realities of life, if nothing else.

So he thought.

So he lied to himself.

Just as many did.

At least he didn't have the moral obligation of holding to idealistic truths like many did; having chosen to live his life in such a way would have made things much more trying up to this point -at least in living life the way that he had. Without particular moral obligation, Toshiro had been able to avoid any real need to ask questions when it came to following his instinct or the orders given to him as a young man eager to make a difference in the world; or at least make his own mark on it. He didn't have to feel like his life was all a lie when morality and reality didn't align. He could simply say that his life had been an unkind version of reality -and anyone could make of that what they would.

Yet that never negated the weight of darkness in him that was still able to raise its ugly head to mock him.


Ariadne and her family had also been through many hardships and yet they all had let life's little bumps teach their lessons in their own way, and none of them -least of all Ariadne- ever seemed to close themselves off to the world, trying to hide hurt behind anger like he had.

What attracted Shiro to Ari most of all, was this. All of those layers of sweetness and the warmth of Ari's compassionate heart were something that he’d always tried to train himself not to care for, but now, in the limn of the irresistible her, those traits became so appealing to him.


So it was, over the last few sevendays that he and Ariadne had become more serious about their relationship, Toshiro often continued to wonder at the exact nature and depth of his feelings for her. Ariadne had been able to penetrate beyond his anger and resentment, causing him to consider living life in a more normalized fashion for the sake of making her happy, and due to the fact of him soon being a father. Part of him was increasingly curious about the prospect that she or perhaps some life event, might truly break him one day, and allow him to put a painful and dark past behind him, causing him to be able to abandon his anger at will. There was another part of him however, that was not comfortable with that idea.

The way he’d lived his life up until now, was his identity. It had become his dire reputation. it was who he was. Did the thought of leaving any of that behind make him afraid of the change? Or was it that he would rather cling to who he was at present? Or could it be that living out a settled existence in blissful matrimony did not hold much appeal to him?

The entire notion must be absurd. On the one hand, it was absurd to him that the rest of the world would rather him be leading such a life, and on the other hand, it was just as absurd to him that deep down, he felt no real desire for it.

No. Toshiro knew he wanted Ariadne in his life.


What was he doing like this then, with a home, a child, and soon a wife who had her own family? When he’d agreed to all of it, had he simply been biding his time -that time spent between the excitement of battles? Was it all to create for himself a diversion? And if he let himself become drawn into a life with a family, was that all his life would become? No more than a long string of diversions until one day, his life too, would come to an end?

That angry, indignant, self-righteous side of him was a happy killer. Rather, his Master had been correct to say Toshiro had become a happy Delivery Boy whose strings were pulled by another. And still, Toshiro had willingly given himself over to that instinctive, primal nature many times in life; for many justified reasons, not the least of which was in order to smother pain.

Somehow, helping nature run its course of life giving way to death, had at times, been able to make him feel fulfilled -in a strange sense of the word. Living like that made life seem much more simple. At some point though, it would always end. And now, he could finally say that he was helping nature run its course on the other side of the circle of life -death begetting the creation of new life. Certainly he would find the latter of the two would be the most fulfilling of all?


What was it then? Here, with Ariadne, was he simply biding time? But Toshiro was unable to ask Ariadne to love and follow after that side of him which he knew she hated. And if the two of them continued on together, wouldn’t he tire of a life settled down, only to soon go looking for the next blood and battle? If that happened, how long would she be OK with it?


Already, he was showing signs of restlessness. Not because of their being together, but because skirmishes had been so few over the past few months since the Kidnapping. Maybe having a baby would change that feeling.


Rolling to his back to sit up, Toshiro got up from their bed, glancing back to see if he'd disturbed Ari, but she still seemed to be sleeping. Body as restless now as his mind had turned, Toshiro checked the room and then progressively throughout the rest of their cozy home to be sure everything was secure. He took his weapons up in his left hand then, when he'd gone back to the bedroom, and there, found a place near the door to sit up against the wall with weapons rested against one shoulder. Head resting back, Toshiro let his eyes drift closed so that sleep might again soon take him.

Ariadne woke after Toshiro began to nod off slumped against the wall. She didn't move at first. She sensed rather than saw that Toshiro was no longer in bed. Nights like this she found herself wondering if this was what he wanted for himself. She had given him time, plenty of time to break her heart if he was going to go there. When she woke up alone like this, she couldn't shake the fear that he was gone or might leave. There was a part of him, she could see it in his eyes, that did not want this.

Of course it could be any number of things that made him nervous about being completely committed to this lifestyle. She knew it was difficult for him and she knew part of the reason why but she had a feeling that Toshiro had not told her things he should have. And she had no secrets from him? She berated herself. Although she kept very little of herself from him, there were a few things which were meant to be only hers. Memories for herself to keep. Memories that pained her beyond the ability to express as well as gave her joy as nothing in this world had done before. They had nothing to do with Toshiro and he would be better off not hearing of them.

She could not expect him to share every thought or memory with her either. Though his seemed to haunt him more than hers did. She could not help but fear that one day he would decide that he didn't want this life with her that he would grow so restless being here that he had to get as far away as possible. She hoped he did not feel pressure from her to stay here. If he did not know already her feelings for him would not change if he chose to go elsewhere for a while. Ariadne was stronger than she seemed, she would get by without him if he needed to get away.

Maybe she should say something to him about all of this. Maybe her fears would only make him less willing to leave when he needed the break. She would not hinder him from finding a balance between the part of him that loved her and the part of him that wanted freedom to kill . And she would need to allow him the space he required to figure these things out. Whatever plagued him, no matter how much she wanted to help him, was for him to face on his own. She could not pretend to know everything he was thinking of.

Turning over in bed, she thought to stare at the space where Toshiro had been only to see him against the wall. Her eyes were glued to his face. Was he having trouble sleeping in bed or just sleeping in general? Again she felt horrible. Maybe she should not have insisted that he understand her feelings. He had trouble expressing his own to her in words even now but she had come to accept that of him. She may not understand his thirst for blood and maybe she would never understand that part of him but she could see the good in him too. The parts of himself that perhaps he didn't think were there.

Her own fears were simple, stemming from past events that were clearly something no one could do anything about. She loved him though and that was what mattered to her. There would be times when she would worry herself to the point where her anxiety would not be healthy. There would be times when he did things so horrible in her eyes that she would not want to know about them but would ask anyway. She was prepared to deal with all of it because she knew herself to be a constant sort of person. If she loved him any less they would not be here now.

He did not have to be perfect to be the best man for her. While her parents might see things differently, she felt what she felt and no one could change that now. They would be official soon and then there would be the baby. She would have plenty to distract her. Ariadne had never been much concerned with her reputation. People thought what they wanted to think. They judged everyone equally but she would like to believe the people who were her true friends would not spread any gossip that would shed a bad light on her. Those were the only people worth having around her later on.

She was laying on her side still, looking at him, wondering about him. He was the most complex person she had ever met and he did make it difficult for her to read him sometimes but she somehow always knew what was in his heart, even when she wasn't really trying to pry into his feelings. She believed this was because his heart and hers understood great tragedies and on the flip side, great love. She wanted nothing less for herself than great love. He could give that to her, it was in him. Toshiro never did anything in half-measure.

Whispering in the dark, she let her hand rest on her small tummy, "I love you." Whether she was saying it to the unborn child or its father was hard to say.

The next morning, Toshiro was up before the sun, making breakfast for the two of them. There was rice and eggs and some vegetables, but no meat. All of it cooked without spices, so it might be a little bland to Ariadne's tastes. Anyway, it wasn't spectacular, but at least it wasn't burned, nor was it under cooked, and he knew how to keep his cooking space clean.

To their bedroom Toshiro took a tray with food and drink for both of them, thinking that Ariadne would be up soon and hungry. They'd have a bite to eat before her parents would be expecting them to pick up Thessaly; it was nice of them to allow he and Ari a night to themselves to 'move more furniture in' to their home -which they did. But the tiresome work still wasn't quite done. But all they had left was unpacking the bedroom. It was probably the worry over moving in together that caused him to subconsciously put it off 'till last.

Setting the breakfast tray on the nightstand on Ariadne's side of the bed, Toshiro waited a couple of breaths to see if she'd wake up on her own. Since she didn't right away, Toshiro bent over beside her, whispering to their baby. "I should know better than to wake a sleeping beauty. You wake your momma up. Can you hear me yet?" Peeking up to Ari's face, not sure he wanted her to see him talking to her stomach, the urge to talk to his child got the better of him. So, he was soon kneeling beside the bed, head canted curiously to speak to it again.

"It is good to know your daddy's voice. You should always listen to your father. Both of your parents. Can you kick yet? You must be so small, i wonder how big your feet are? But you have to be careful not to hurt your mother, even though you must like to stretch your legs."

He sat there for a moment, daring to place his hand on top of Ari's still small tummy, finally leaning over with his ear placed there to see if he could hear anything. He might usually be more apt to keep to himself, but it was different when the curiosity stemmed from knowing that this was his own baby. It thrilled him. At the same time, the curiosity embarrassed him. But he was willing to suffer it.

When Toshiro could hear nothing and feel nothing yet of the baby moving, he sat back up, a little disappointed, but reminding himself to be patient. So he began wondering out loud. "You should be a girl. It would be good to keep your older sister company. You have to get along well, like sisters should. " A quiet breath parted his lips and aloud he continued to wonder. "Hmmmm. What should we name you? Isa? Enn... Endaira?.. Hmmm... That's Ariadne but backwards." Toshiro was chuckling quietly at that.

"His features became a little somber then, his chin lowering a bit, "Could we name you Kesa?" he repeated the name so softly, with a mix of feeling that held some affection, some memory, but was not overly longing. "Kesa. Heh. It's been a while...since I thought of that name."

Apparently trying to break himself from some reverie, Toshiro got up, taking his own plate of food.

Even as Toshiro brought breakfast into the bedroom, Ariadne slept peacefully. When Toshiro first began to speak, Ari heard only his voice, not yet processing what was being said, she kept her breathing even, having many times as a teen fooled her parents that she was asleep when she wasn't by keeping herself as calm and relaxed as possible. Toshiro was distracted and would not notice right away. Ariadne did not want to ruin his moment with the unborn child. This was not a side of him many people saw and she was enjoying listening to him speak to the child.

As adorable as his speech to the child was, Ariadne tried to remain as still and unchanging as possible. He was making it hard though. She would never have guessed that Toshiro would want a daughter more than a son. Oddly enough she never had cared if she had one more than the other. Her wish had always been to have several children hopefully enough to have a couple boys and a couple girls. The more the merrier really. She had not spoken to Toshiro about it but then he had seen her with her large family. He probably could guess she wanted that for herself as well.

She waited for him to walk away before letting out a soft sigh, "Hmmm, Kesa is pretty." Ariadne's eyes had opened and she was looking down the bed at him. "Did you know someone named Kesa?" She asked simply because he seemed to be far away when he mentioned it.

Smelling the food though she was suddenly ravenously hungry. "What is for breakfast?" She asked smiling, and couldn't help but feel incredibly happy. She made no move to get up though, she was comfortable and she intended to remain comfortable for a few more minutes at least.

He should have supposed she'd wake up, but it still caught Toshiro by surprise when Ariadne awoke and started questioning. As he'd turned back to Ari, not having had time to take the first bite of his meal, he couldn't tell which had happened, yet he could feel his face either flushing at the mention of the name, or draining of blood from it, one or the other.

Catching his breath, he paused with food brought half-way to his mouth to offer a curt answer to both her questions, "I knew a Kesa once. It's just rice and eggs and...it's probably too plain, but nothing tops your mom's cooking." Smirking at that, he turned from her, suddenly finding it easier to walk away and want to eat in the other room, at the table. So he did.

It happened so fast, Toshiro wasn't certain how Ariadne must have read his response, but it'd been a long time since he'd thought about his previous wife, and in fact, before now, hadn't even thought that Ariadne might want to know details like that about his life before they met. Before his life at Telgar River Hold. Of all things that had become emotional scars from his past, he was willing to talk about his childhood, but he never talked about his turns during the great Telgar uprisings. Not to anyone.

His reason for keeping quiet? Perhaps there was none other than it was such a pivotal time period in his life, and there was so much to be learned from it, perhaps there was no easy way to speak of it. There were no words which could encompass that life and express all of the things which had been experienced and all the things that he'd learned and had yet to learn from it. Those experiences were beyond his capability to express. At least in his own mind.

Whatever the reason, could he decide to speak of that life now? Was it worth the re-living of it to tell her? That was something he hadn't considered before. But he had a feeling he wasn't going to be given much time to consider it. He could feel the burning questions. He almost wanted to laugh at that. Ari always had a way of prying things out of him.. or somehow inherently knowing. That gave him pause yet again. Sheee was reaaading his miiiind! Maybe she was half-dragon. Or is that what they called someone who could Hear all Dragons? She must be special like that. No no, that wasn't quite it.

Anyway, that thought ushered him quickly through the door into the kitchen to sit at the table.

Her head tilted to the side as he avoided going into any amount of depth. Then seeing his face change color was amusing enough to stop her from saying anything. It was too bad he had never grown up with sisters, because he would be much more prepared for what Ariadne would do when he left the room, in avoidance of her. She was laughing but it wasn't so much a guffaw sound as a giggle. Kesa wasn't just someone he knew. She would get it out of him now for no reason except that it was amusing seeing his reaction.

She decided to get out of bed her thin nightgown flowing around her as she went to grab her plate. Eating and walking at the same time, she followed Toshiro into the kitchen. Setting her plate down, she had already devoured half of her food. "Thank you for breakfast." She said acting as though he had not said anything about Kesa. Ariadne was creating a false sense of security so she could ask him again. In a very playful manner of course.

She didn't sit down like he had she walked behind him, her hand trailing along his shoulder. Then leaning in she whispered in his ear, "So who is this Kesa?" She leaned back away from him, walking past him, hand trailing down his other shoulder, "A lover perhaps? Do I need to go and rip some poor young woman's hair out?" She said with a grin. No doubt there were plenty of young women who were attracted to the Captain, but he seemed much less interested in them.

Ariadne expected him to try to push her away if the topic was personal which would only make her more curious. As she had mused last night, he was a very complex man and it intrigued her. He had never mentioned a Kesa before. She might just be the slightest bit jealous of his affection for this other woman. Had he accepted her without a fight? Or had he been determined not to love her either? She almost wondered if the other woman had done something to hurt him which made it that much harder for him to love her.

Ari made no move to sit down, instead she walked away from the table and into the kitchen. Pouring herself a glass of water, she sipped on it while standing there watching him.

Toshiro did find himself at ease after Ariadne seemed in those first few moments to hold no interest for the name he'd spoken. He continued to eat, straightening himself to turn his head and look her way when she traced her finger tips along the back of his shoulders, but when she leaned to whisper into his ear his body tensed and his breath paused. It might be obvious she'd struck close to home with her quick guess.

From that moment, there was no denying that Kesa had been an important person in his life -at least to some extent. And there was no going back to Ariadne's not knowing. But that didn't mean Toshiro was going to spill his heart out to Ari over the matter.

Toshiro knew that Ariadne was only teasing; he could hear it in her voice. He couldn't blame her though, because it was he who had left her guessing. The words she'd spoken though, left him with a lack of appetite. He needed to get some fresh air.

Toshiro didn't even bother looking over at Ariadne again. He couldn't fault her, but her words had elicited anger none the less. So much so, Toshiro found himself clenching his jaw shut as he set his eating utensils down, getting up from the table. Stepping around it toward the front door to the house, his words came in a quiet voice, strained by a great mix of emotion. "I'll be outside. I need to get some air."

For a moment, he glanced back to where his weapons had been leaned up against the wall, beside the frame of their bedroom door. The thought to retrieve them seemed to pass through his mind, but he never made the move. He turned and left without them.

Toshiro never went anywhere without the guard-issue weapons. The fact that he was upset enough to do so now, spoke loudly of just how greatly her words had effected him -just how deeply she had been able to prod, and possibly without even knowing. She always did that to him. This time though, was different.

That very sword, he looked upon with disgust, turning quickly back for the front door. Without another word, Toshiro moved through it, and then closed it behind him.

Ariadne did not plead with him to stay nor did she chase after him. Neither of which meant she did not care. Quite the opposite. She cared enough to give him space when he needed it. Whatever had happened with Kesa, she was not going to figure it out through playful teasing and as much as she wanted him to tell her because he wanted to, she knew better than to push him right now. He must be struggling with a lot since he had made the decision to be not only hers but officially and in their own home.

She finished her water then washed the dishes. When he didn't come in right away she bathed and dressed for the day, braiding her hair back so as to keep the more unruly strands tucked away. When she was done, she was quiet. Ari didn't know if Toshiro had time enough to control his anger or work through it a little. She had not meant to anger him but he would have to get used to being asked questions when he brought strange women's names up.

Seeing his weapons still inside, she thought maybe it was time to go and make sure he was alright. She walked outside of their new home and sat down next to it. Her arms were limp at her sides, as she looked out at the day from the front of the house. Her mind was away then, far away as she was reminded of a time long since gone.
There were days when she remembered how easy love could be. As easy as breathing. That was before she had been broken and once she had been nothing was ever easy again.

Toshiro was not the only one haunted by the past though Ariadne was a good deal better at ignoring her pain. She was so busy focusing on other people that she rarely took the time to think about her own problems. Maybe that was something Toshiro neglected to think of as well. He had so many issues to worry about but he never asked her the difficult questions. He did not see how difficult the thought of marriage might be for her. He didn't know that she smiled when she sometimes felt like crying. And Ariadne was glad he didn't. She would never want him to see her struggling with things that should make her happy.

It was unfair though that he could walk away whenever he chose and she was always there to console him. She was far too constant to ever walk away, no matter how difficult it was to answer a question. Ari didn't move from the spot she was in, nor did she seek Toshiro out. She had nothing to say and he had nothing to say.

Once outside, Toshiro walked a short ways and then stopped, not sure where he would go. As much as he wanted to hide, he wasn't sure he should go back inside. So, Toshiro tried to breathe deeply, struggling intensely with some part of his past he'd thought he'd forgotten.

Finally, Toshiro decided he'd walk a ways further, maybe up to the training grounds to sit on his usual step. Headed in that direction, his attention was so caught up in his thoughts that Toshiro hardly noticed how rudely he'd been shoving past people in the street. One man finally called out to him, clearly irritated.

But being in as close vicinity as they were to one another, the man's movement and irritated tone were enough to trigger him. Reaction came without thinking, and Toshiro's eyes suddenly lost their focus. Both of Toshiro's hands reached to grab at the man, bringing his head down to an uplifted knee that effectively crushed the man's nose. Toshiro then whirled the man about in a dizzying display of fighting finesse to capture him in a grappling hold where he came close to applying enough pressure to break the man's back. It all happened within a split second, and luckily Toshiro seemed to snap out of whatever daze he'd been in, just in time to take hold of his senses.

Had Toshiro had his sword in hand, the man would have been dead. The feelings elicited by the ever so brief conversation over Kesa had been enough to remove him from present reality, taking him to a much more distant one. In other words, he'd had a flashback. Even his anger had been replaced by some alternate form of it; what seemed an old, animalistic rage more deeply etched into his being than perhaps any other.

As soon as he seemed to come back to present, Toshiro's eyes regained their focus, his features becoming a mask of shock. Toshiro gasped and felt it difficult to breathe. Until that moment, he didn't even seem to realize he was holding anyone captive. Pushing his poor victim away, Toshiro turned and tried to pick up his pace, not knowing where his steps would take him. Just anywhere but there.

As much as Toshiro wanted to think that he was in control of himself, he knew he wasn't when his head started to spin. Feeling dizzy and embarrassed that he'd lost control only strengthened the earlier desire to hide away.

Making his way through a number of alleyways, Toshiro didn't pay any attention to where they led, he simply tried to avoid people. He must have been stumbling over himself the entire time, because when he rounded the next corner, recognizing familiar scenery of an empty property lot near their home, Toshiro found himself on his hands and knees beneath the copse of trees there.

There, he also came to realize that the entire disorienting sensation of the flashback in combination with dizziness had made him feel sick. So sick in fact, that he struggled to keep his breakfast down. It was a losing fight though, because in the end, everything came back up.

He felt a little better after that, but still, Toshiro's head was in a haze. He sat back onto his heels, gasping for air, feeling tense muscles shake almost uncontrollably. Since he felt as though he could do nothing else, and needed to be out of reach of other people, he remained where he was at, sitting himself on the grass, up against one of the trees where tears began to further deceive him.

Closing his eyes, Toshiro couldn't help but think back, and clutched at his side, under his ribs, as if he'd been injured. His breath remained heavy, feeling difficult to come by, and equally as pained. There he cried and fought for his breath, unsure of how much time was passing around him. Yet, time didn't seem to matter at that moment, because he was mentally only half there -the rest of his awareness remained in the past.




Toshiro had thought himself well out of reach of certain memories he thought he'd been able to forget. He'd buried them deep in his subconscious for a reason. As unfortunate as the circumstance was, that only made it more difficult for him to be able to wrap his arms around Ariadne to offer her the comfort that she might as well be needing. Yet, that was the nature of things. So entombed within his own overpowering sense of despair -even if it had once been masked and hidden away- it absorbed every ounce of his energy. It was all he could do to keep from succumbing to it. With all of his energy consumed in the struggle to fight back against that overwhelming grief, there was no chance of him being able to meet the current emotional needs of the one he loved so deeply.

That realization only drove Toshiro into even greater depths of sorrow. It played off of his insecurities to reminded him that he was inept as he once thought; incapable of being able to ever hope to have any sort of normal relationship with a woman. It made him believe once more, that he would never be worthy of Ariadne's hand in marriage, nor worthy of being a father.

He could only perceive himself as...well.. something less than a man in such a state. Unable to hold onto even that thought for long, Toshiro continued to clutch at his side, breathing ragged, wondering if he dare open his eyes again to the sun that was rising.


He needed to go back home -or to the officer's barracks- either one, to get some rest. But truth be told, Toshiro didn't know if shaky legs and an upset stomach would allow him to make it there. So for now, he stayed.

Ariadne did not know how long she sat there. She was concerned as more time passed and Toshiro did not come back for his weapons. If he were going to train he would need them. He never went anywhere without them which had been an assurance he would be coming back. Now, she was worried. Searching for him might be difficult considering she had no idea where he had gone. Best to start closer to the house and work her way out, she thought. If something had happened to him, she would feel horrible. 

She had no idea how close Toshiro actually was and in fact, first walked the opposite direction from where he was. There were occupied houses that led further into the Hold but as she walked she decided he would not have gone so far in without weapons. He had to be closer to their new home so she made her way back and began to search around the nearby house that was vacant. Perhaps he had come there simply to be away from people in general, she shrugged. Making her way around the house until she saw him. Without a word, Ariadne sat down next to Toshiro and put her arm around his shoulders. She leaned her head in and kissed the shoulder nearest to her. "Toshiro, I'm sorry. I never meant to cause you pain." She said softly. This time she made no comment about anything that was talked about earlier. 

Everyone had their emotional struggles, she more than most understood this. Ari simply had not known that Kesa was so horrible a topic for him. She had assumed he was simply embarrassed by whatever liaison he had with the other woman. Now though, Ariadne was quite certain something horrible had happened concerning this Kesa. She wished he was ready to talk about some of these things but she knew it would take time and no small amount of trust in her to reveal some of the things in his past. Ariadne was nothing if not patient. She would wait.

By the time Ariadne had arrived, Toshiro had partially dried his face and gotten control of his breathing. He felt so childish for letting himself be in such a mess; yet, he didn't feel it was wrong to have such emotion. He just thought that some things should stay in the past. It was OK to leave them there.

For whatever reason, Shiro never felt like he should need to tell Ariadne about his past life. He shouldn't need to tell anyone. Likewise, there was no need for her or anyone else to tell him their own past. As far as their lives were concerned, they only ever existed for eachother from the point of their first meeting. Just moving forward together from there was enough. That was the most simple way to let things be.

Part of Shiro's hesitation stemmed from the fact that he felt like he had no real way of speaking just how things had been. He'd tried to let himself be removed from that past life since Kesa's death. What had happened then,...How could he start thinking about it now? Toshiro had pretty much only ever tried not to think of it.

Now that Ariadne knew of her existence, he would never be able to leave it in that part of his past where those memories belonged. Inevitably she would be curious, and even if he never told her any of it, the thought would be there, because there was always a chance that she would ask; then, how would he say it? What words could he find to rightly address it?

It made him feel sick again. Swallowing that feeling, Toshiro took comfort in Ari's presence, her scent, her voice. His eyes were lined by tears again, but this time because he was filled with such love for her, he was unable to contain his heart. Turning to embrace her with one arm, leaning against her gently, his head lowered to rest against her shoulder.

"You don't have to feel that way. I will only ever love you. I love you. If anything, I should be the one sorry; for not being able to tell you." He wasn't sure he would ever be able to.

Still hesitant, those things were at the tip of his tongue, right at the edge of his thoughts. He wondered if he could simply try to say them quickly. Then it wouldn't matter how he worded it. Yet...he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Letting her head rest on his for a brief moment, she replied, "I love you too." Lifting her head now, she said, "I do not need to know." She wasn't sure she wanted to know anyway. With him being so emotional she could only guess it had ended badly. Tragedy seemed drawn to her enough, she did not need to add his on to hers if he did not want to share. She found she did not really mind anyway. After all, there was no Kesa in his life now. 

For a few moments she didn't say anything again. She knew he was pulling himself together now, emotionally, so he could face the day. There were days here and there where she felt that way in the morning. Less now, but still every so often, she would miss Evander and dream of the life they had had and how it should have been. Those were very rare days now that Toshiro had her heart but she did miss Evander at times. He had been her best friend and her lover. They had shared everything, their deepest darkest secrets and the silliest gossip too. It was an easy relationship, as easy as taking in a breath of air. She never had to think about it. 

Ariadne knew that would have changed once Evander saw more action. He would not have been the same forever. He was preserved a certain way in her memory but it would be as if she only saw the good and never the bad. Not that there was much to complain about when it did come to the bad. All of this deep thought about the past was really ruining her day. She didn't want to dwell on it anymore. She wanted to talk about the future.

"So have you thought of any boys names or are you determined we will have a girl?" She said lightly, trying to brighten the mood. Not that she would mind a girl. She loved her daughter and Thessaly would be happy to have a little girl to play with. But a brother would not be a bad thing for Thessaly either.

At that point, Toshiro wasn't sure he wanted a boy. He knew that if he had a son, there would be the temptation to teach him to carry on the legacy of his swordsmaster; and if he did not openly offer to teach his son, his son would learn of his father's reputation and hear the 'heroic tales' of the kidnapping -or worse- and then want to follow in his footsteps. But Toshiro wasn't sure he wanted that. Perhaps in truth, he wasn't sure what he wanted when it came to a family.

They would just have to wait and see.


Ariadne was trying to change the mood and he could smile at that. He sat up enough to kiss her neck and then a little more so that he could kiss her cheek.

"I can't say I've thought too much on name yet. But I guess it wouldn't be too soon to start doing so." Toshiro leaned back so that he could look at Ari's face, trying to read the depth of expression there and within those beatific eyes. The eyes that captured his heart and soul, drawing him in every time.

As he admired her there for a moment, he couldn't help but digress to comment, "Ari. I want us to be happy together. I have only ever been happy with you." Suddenly he felt himself get hot, flustered. He didn't think that the words would want to come out so easy, but for some reason, the right thing to say seemed to be in regards to what their entire ugly morning had been about.

At the same time he said it, Shiro was sure his face had drained of colour. "I know it would only continue to worry you. So I'll tell you that I never loved her; nothing like how I love you. Yet she was my wife. And with you, I cannot explain how greatly my heart feels, yet we are not even married. In some way, doesn't that seem wrong?" In a way, it made him feel as though he were betraying what he had ever felt for Kesa, even though his feeling for both of them had turned out very different.

Now Ariadne would have every right to pry, he knew, and he wouldn't blame her for it. He wouldn't get angry again. He would try not to cry or feel sick. But there was no promise just how much he was prepared to say regarding it all. He just hoped she wouldn't be angry at him in return.

Toshiro thoughts about arguing. Ariadne may have named Thessaly, but Thessaly wasn't his offspring. That didn't mean he wouldn't care for her and love her and protect her, but as far as the namings were concerned, she didn't count, in his mind. 

Keeping that thought to himself, Toshiro simply enjoyed walking with Ariadne, still squeezing her hand. Choosing not to answer her question about Kesa, he fell silent and listened to her voice as she talked. He was grateful for Ari's determination. He was grateful for her love, and for the fact that she'd never once given up on him. Her love, in his mind, was a thousand times greater than anything he shared with Kesa. The significance of Kesa's love was that she had been the first. She had shown him a first glimpse of what love could be like; and what it was like to lose someone you cherished. 

Though he didn't want to diminish what he and his previous wife had shared, Toshiro keenly felt the difference.


When Ari came at him with a playful punch, he feigned injury, withdrawing his hand from hers in order to clutch at his chest and stagger. Toshiro looked back at her, eyes smiling even if his expression didn't fully show it. Then reaching to grab at the hand which had offended, he held her hand again until they approached their home.

Opening the door, Toshiro walked in, pulling Ariadne against him so that he could close it behind them. "Do I seem like the kind of man who gives in easily?" Toshiro couldn't help but crack a smile, wrapping his arms around Ariadne.

Realizing that he may have made her feel a bit defensive or maybe even jealous at the comparison of herself to another woman in his life, Toshiro hugged her against him. His hands found their way through her hair, and he kissed her forehead. It seemed as though there were something he were about to say, but he stopped the words on his tongue, continuing to kiss the top of her head and then her lips.

Ariadne was smiling as he feigned injury. She did not put up a fight as he sought her hand again. Walking hand in hand was intimate and something she had not expected him to continue. Her surprise though she kept to herself. Enjoying the moment was far too important to her to bring anything up that might in some way end it.

"No but I have a feeling that I was always hard for you to resist..." She was now wrapped in his arms where he was unwilling to let her go.  Ariadne could sense his hesitation, his wanting to say something but being unable to. She had been there before herself. Was he afraid to tell her what he was thinking? She knew the hardest things to say were words that might not receive the reaction one wanted but he surely had nothing to fear from telling her anything.

Letting her thoughts stop there concerning the matter, she remembered Thessaly again. She was about to say they should get moving when his lips were on her.  Life could wait a little longer, she thought as his lips met first with her head and then moved to her own lips. She did not want to break their kissing for anything. Even breathing seemed overrated.