Time for a Talk (Toshiro & Ariadne)

Three days of torturing herself with what Toshiro might say and the evening had arrived on the third one. She had left the infirmary early to go home and prepare herself. Normally she would have made sure to put on something pretty. She did get herself ready though not with her usual excitement.

Her mother had checked on her the day before, making sure there were no sharp objects in her room and the usual suicide watch. Ari was well past ever thinking of doing anything like that again but it showed her how her mood was affecting the household.

She bathed, put on a clean dress, not as nice as the one Jungi had bought her but not as bad as her usual work wear. Avoiding tangles was fairly important business when it came to her hair so she spent a bit of time making certain her hair would not be a mess more for that than for Toshiro. Or at the very least that was what she told herself.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad now that she knew what was coming. Who was she kidding? Why did she have to wait three days to hear him say he had feelings for Lyria. She wished he had said something more the other day. All of this was from Lyria’s mouth and perhaps the other girl had exaggerated a little? She was hoping so but if he didn’t tell her what he was feeling, she was not going to be able to keep her anger back. She was already upset.

Spending some time with Thessaly before she left, Ariadne gave the little girl a quick hug before she left. “I love you mommy.” The girl said sweetly. In return Ariadne gave the girl a warm, loving smile, “I Love you too doodlebug.” She kissed the little girl’s nose and passed her off to her father. “Bed time for you soon…”

Ariadne waved to her parents who thought she was going to a friend’s house for a girl’s night. They thought it would be good for her to get out. Well she was getting out. They might have been happy she was seeing a man but they might also have been worried if she came back later than anticipated. Ari was trying not to worry them. She wanted to be happy. She’d been so happy before Lyria spoke to her.

The last couple of days were more and more painful because Lyria went to visit Toshiro every day to check on his wound and salves that would help his muscles there. She found herself avoiding talks with Lyria and avoiding places where she might possibly run into Toshiro where normally she would have gone to those places on purpose. It was a kind of relief to know he was working with all those new recruits so he wouldn’t have time to come looking for her before their talk.

She was only a drudge, Lyria was a healer. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Lyria wasn’t attractive and young and free with no emotional baggage. Her walk to the usual meeting place was slow, slow enough that it might seem like she would be late but she had left early. So she was actually arriving just on time. Under the star and moonlight she could see Toshiro was there already, waiting for her. He didn’t seem at all down and why would he be? He had Lyria.

The steps seemed to go on forever. With each step that brought her closer to Toshiro she felt more and more foolish. Maybe she should have told him to forget about it. The real problem was not him, it was her. She couldn't not go because as much as she hated to admit it to herself, Lyria's admission that Toshiro was hers, did not stop her from having feelings for the man before her. He still made her heart pound in her chest so that her ears felt like they had their own heart. Her breath caught in her throat and the only word she managed to get out was, "Hello."

Actually, Toshiro hadn't been waiting long, there at his usual spot at the top of the steps leading up to the Guard Hall. Like always, both weapons were resting on a lower step between his legs with hilts leaned into one shoulder, one hand settled over them idly. Shiro watched Ariadne approach, a little anxious with wonder; what was it exactly, that she wanted to discuss with him? He had some news of his own to share, but he wanted to hear what she had to say first. He didn't feel as though he had to share his private life with anyone, so if he heard what she had to say and then decided he just needed to keep his mouth shut, he could keep his own situation to himself.

Though...now that he understood Ari's feelings toward him, he wanted to share with her more. The thought of being liked by her almost made him giddy. It was just...as she might soon find out, he was afraid to let himself feel anything for her right now.

When she joined him on the stair, he smiled a little impishly at her 'hello'. Toshiro's hair had gotten just long enough that he could pull the top portion of it back into a bit of a really stubby ponytail at the back of his head, the rest of it loose around his neck still, with shorter bangs falling free to frame his face where they partially hiding the scar on his cheek. "What do you think? Does longer hair suit me?" Since he wasn't sure how else to start the conversation, idle chatter would suffice him. Somehow though, he felt it was important now to have her opinions on things, so even though it seemed childish and perhaps insignificant, he was actually quite interested in how she would answer him.

He was happy to see her; she could see it in his eyes, which only made things more complicated. What if he liked both Lyria and herself? Maybe that was where the problem really lay. If that was the case she wished he would choose one or the other of them quickly. She didn’t like emotional games, like the one they were playing right now. His question about his hair had her titlting her head slightly to think it over.

Ariadne liked his hair before but the new style was not bad on him. He was attractive, he knew it and no matter how he did his hair she would find him thus. She supposed though that he needed reassuring just like anyone else. Especially if he did like Lyria, he might want advice on how he looked and whether it would be pleasing to the other woman. “I think your hair looks great. I’m sure Lyria will love it.”

No doubt the other woman would love it. She had gone on and on about him all the way home yesterday again. She didn’t think she could hear any more of it really. So perhaps it was a good thing for her to talk, maybe get some things out for him to hear… well if she got the nerve to say what she was thinking. They were both horrible at communicating their feelings. It made all of this so much more complicated than it needed to be.

“Is there something you need to tell me?” She asked, kind of hoping he would tell her whatever he was thinking or feeling at the moment. She was asking only because she was not being brave enough to say what she was worried about. He would probably dodge the entire question. Maybe not but it was worth the asking anyway.

At Ariadne's mention of the healer Lyria, Shiro's brow furrowed a bit in confusion. He wasn't certain why Ari would have brought her up in that context, but he didn't say anything of it.


“Is there something you need to tell me?” She asked, kind of hoping he would tell her whatever he was thinking or feeling at the moment. She was asking only because she was not being brave enough to say what she was worried about. He would probably dodge the entire question. Maybe not but it was worth the asking anyway.


Of course, that would be his luck. They were both being avoidant, they they had both come to talk. Which made Shiro wonder just what it was Ariadne had to say to him. He could only growl inwardly because he was unable now to be upset at her. Toshiro had come to terms with the things he wanted to share with her, over the last few weeks, so he didn't feel it should be too difficult saying them. He was probably just a little afraid of what her response might be.

Releasing a slow breath before he began, Toshiro must have seemed much more mature in that moment than he had in the past alone with her, as his demeanor had shifted from the norm. The usual anger worn on his sleeve could not be felt as eminently, as though he'd either rid himself of it, or hidden it away almost completely.

"Yeah. I'll start then. But...you can't tell anybody, or I might have to kill you." Oh, no. He had to be feeling at least somewhat like his normal self; that lame sense of humour that no one ever laughed at had suddenly resurfaced.

Now, where to begin? As he did, it was somberly. A certain measure of acceptance had come could be felt in him, similar to the time when he'd been ready to die, but Ariadne had been able to keep him alive; only, this time he wasn't willing just yet to give his life up to this fate. He was going to fight it until he couldn't anymore. "I should thank you before I tell you anything else. You saved my life so many times. So...I've decided that whatever happens, I'm going to do my best to keep on living.

"I should tell you the rest starting from the beginning." Because he cared about her, and needed her to understand him, he would tell her everything. "Commander Kondo, my adopted father, used to be a General. Because he doesn't ever use his sword, the extent of his true skill is not recognized beyond the recognition of Telgar's Lord Holders. He is Telgar's finest swordsman. When he was demoted to become Commander, it was in part to hide the truth of his abilities by giving him lesser rank. The other reason was in order to allow him the time to train a full time Apprentice." Which was Toshiro, obviously.

"Outside of the general style of fighting techniques taught regularly to Guard trainees, he is the heir, so to speak, of a much more deadly set of techniques that was practiced by the Ancients. It is said that his particular style of swordsmanship was abandoned by them because of its purely destructive power. So, there were only a small number of practitioners who passed the knowledge down from one apprentice to the other, generation to generation, making certain that their skills were kept in secret to protect themselves from any backlash.

"As far back as can be remembered now, every Master of the techniques has only had one apprentice, because it will take all of the Master's energy for many turns to pass on everything he can to just that one student." Toshiro took a deep breath, looking up into the night's sky and the two, full moons glaring back at them.

"It has been said that whatever side of a conflict holds the power of the Ancient techniques is ensured victory. Since the techniques are so highly effective, they are much sought after and heavily guarded by those who would want to procure their use. Their existence is only known by the Lord Holders -namely those of Telgar, who, for generations, each of the Masters of these techniques have chosen to serve.

"The Master of the techniques however, is not considered bound to any Hold in the regards that the height of his skills has allowed him to become a master of his own destiny in a way. The Lord Holders look to the Master of these techniques for help in times of need and to help safeguard their people -but with that kind of power, there is nothing they could do if he decided to abandon the thought of serving them. So, they treat him with as much respect as a Lord Holder, knowing they must tred carefully if they want to keep his favour."

Turning his eyes down from the sky to meet Ariadne's gaze, he continued, "I am that Master's only student. I am supposed to inherit that power."

Eyes inflicted by disappointment with himself looked away again. "But I left him to find my own way...and I've nearly failed him. In his eyes I am the same dumb student who I was turns ago; stubborn and dimwitted because I never allowed him to finish training me."

It seemed to be with some reluctance that he voiced those next thoughts, "He will return someday to complete our training. When he does, it is likely I won't be alive long after. As far as I know, his intent is to kill me if I'm unable to pass his test, because I have failed to meet his expectations. It is likely that he, nor the Lord Holders want a failed apprentice in possession of their secrets left alive to tell them. And it would only be right of Kondo to put an end to what it was that he started."


As if it could be any consolation, he glanced back up at Ariadne, putting on the fascade of a weak smile. "There are things I have to learn before his return, that would save my life. Kondo said that I should already know them, so I've been...spending a lot of time alone, trying to remember everything he's taught me. Maybe I didn't understand what he was trying to teach me somewhere along the line." Toshiro's eyes seemed to fill with enough emotion and even disappointment in himself that he might cry, but he was determined not to show cowardice in the face of his trial.

"I don't know how soon to expect him, but when he comes for me, if I'm unable to meet his expectations... There is little chance I would be able to defend myself against him." And if it were the case that he might not live long enough to be able to have any kind of life with Ariadne, then he didn't want to drag her into thinking he had deeper feelings for her. So he felt he had to hold her at a distance until the Swords Master returned.
He didn't want to be the next person to share such feelings of love with her only to break her heart in the end.

In a way, that thought motivated him more than anything to do his best, and to make certain that he met every expectation of the Commander's. Because this time, if worst came to worst, there would be no miraculous return from the hands of death.

Her response didn’t garner one in return, so she left the topic where it was. Although he seemed reluctant to talk first, she was inwardly glad that he would be talking first. His talking to her would help her decide whether or not to talk about her feelings with him or not. She wanted to because she wanted him to understand why she might avoid him in the street or why she wouldn’t be talking to him anymore. She didn’t want him to think he had done anything wrong. It wasn’t his fault that she had fallen for him. It was entirely her own.

She smiled at his warning, “I won’t tell anyone.” She should have known he wanted to talk about something that he didn’t want people to know about. Then it must not concern her and it would all be about his love for someone else. She wasn’t sure how much of that she could take before she lost her sanity. His sincere thank you took her off her guard for a moment. She didn’t know what to say to him on that account. She’d never thought he had been serious about the saving his life thing until now. How could she have possibly saved his life? He wanted to live because of her? That’s what she was getting out of it. If that were so then he couldn’t possibly have feelings for anyone else.

Right?

The story about his training was captivating. She found herself imagining what it must be like to feel someone expect so very much of you at a young age. Ariadne listened intently, hanging on every word. She could see pain in his eyes that she didn’t understand until he got to the end of his explanation. As he continued to say he would have no way to defend himself against the commander, tears sprung to her eyes. She couldn’t let that happen, was the first thought in her head.

No. No. No. No. No. This was not happening. This was not going to happen. He wanted to live. He would live and he would be happy and he would finally feel like he had something worth living for. Commander Kondo would see that he was becoming a good man with true intentions if he spent more than two minutes with him just to tear him down. Ariadne believed he could prove Commander Kondo wrong. Choosing a different path didn’t make him a bad apprentice.

Her silence following his story must have been difficult for him but she was struggling with what he was telling her. Did she believe he would die? No because she could not bear it another time, to love someone who was taken from her much too soon. All thought of Lyria had gone from her. She was concerned about him and how he was dealing with it all.

Ariadne moved in towards him, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. Her head was flush to his chest, right next to his left shoulder. Her eyes spilled a few more quiet tears which left a wet spot on his shirt. “You have changed so much in the short time I’ve known you Toshiro. Surely he will see what I see.” She didn’t move away from him, she didn’t loosen her grip. She was afraid to let him go just then.

“You are capable of more than you yet know. You’re a good person Toshiro. You will do so many great things. Commander Kondo would be a fool not to finish your training and allow you to become the person you are meant to be.” Her voice was strong, she believed every word she was saying and she hoped he could sense that. She couldn’t tell him about her feelings now. He would feel horrible and she worse if he had to break her heart now. She was supposed to be his friend, she should be there for him through these kinds of situations. Even if she wanted more than a friendship, better to remain friends and be able to help him than to expose her feelings and ruin it.

He'd made her cry? He hadn't intended for that. As Ariadne moved to hug her arms around his neck, he moved his weapons aside to let her find a place to sit between his legs on the step below him. For once, he didn't resist holding her. He couldn't just then, and he didn't want to.

As she cried and talked into his shoulder, Toshiro found himself very deeply touched by her expression. Feeling as though she expressed more love for him at that time than even a dear friend, Toshiro felt as though she didn't have to admit anything further to him about her feelings. He understood her feelings now. There was no denying them and that filled him with a twinge of guilt for having decided to not return those feelings.

Toshiro's confidence in his ability to hide those feeling from her any longer, began to waver the more he listened to her and the longer they held eachother. What cruel twist of fate would continue to keep them apart?


Toshiro found himself inspired by her confidence in him to overcome whatever trial lay ahead. Did he really believe him to be such a good person? Did she see something in him that even he was no longer able to see anymore? Her insight made him dig deeper into his own heart, almost afraid to admit that there could possibly be something good there.

Was it possible? He'd seen himself in such a terrible light for so long, it made it hard to see himself in any other way. Not to mention, there was always some reason he could find, in the back of his mind, to doubt himself. But...could Ari's belief in him help him put a stop to all that?

Holding onto that promise to himself that he would show no cowardice in the face of this trial, Shiro's arms tightened around Ariadne's shoulders, continuing to speak nothing of his feelings for her. But unless he did something to make her think that he despised her unnecessarily, there was no way to avoid a physical show of affection at that point. Maybe she would read through his actions now, as easily as she always seemed to.

Toshiro lowered his head, burying his face into her hair, kissing her there, on the top of her head. Not just once, but many times.

Her eyes dried after her little speech to him but she couldn’t let go. She wasn’t sure how long she clung to him but she found even though she was worried for his future she was there more for her own comfort than his. He didn’t say anything of course. She was used to his silent nature. Sometimes words couldn’t express what he was feeling so he was quiet and she had to figure out what he was feeling. Right now she was having a hard time discerning what that was. Maybe he didn’t really want her to know?

As his head came down to meet hers, she felt him kiss her head multiple times. How did she feel about that, she wondered. It was a very comforting and loving thing to do. She didn’t know how to respond, feeling suddenly as if being so comforted by him might be a bad thing. Ariadne could not in good conscience think of a real reason why she shouldn’t be in his arms. Lyria wasn’t there. No one was being hurt and she needed it.

Unrequited love had to be one of the worst feelings in the world. “I need to tell you something.” She said quietly. That’s right it was her turn to talk and though he might not understand where she was coming from he would at least hear her out. “I know you have a lot to deal with right now and I really don’t want to add more emotional turmoil to your life but I have to get this out now before I lose my courage.” It didn’t matter if he could tell from her behavior.

“After we fought Jungi took me out to shop and tried to cheer me up. He invited me to the Wedding, so I said yes. He is fun and outgoing and completely easy to get along with. I really would have liked him if I was who I used to be but I’m not. I’m a broken person.“ She said, not trying to make Toshiro wonder about that relationship but rather to point out that she was having trouble without him already.

“Being around Jungi only made me wish that you were there with me instead of him. I can’t go back to who I was before I met you so if you are trying to spare my feelings from anything it is too late. I’m already in love with you.” She was assuming that she was opening up the conversation for him to tell her about Lyria.

Ariadne did not move, but she had become tense as if expecting the worst. She didn’t allow herself anything more than a sliver of hope that perhaps Lyria had been wrong and that Toshiro was in fact in love with Ariadne.

Though he felt as though he understood Ariadne's feelings previously, her words now, only emphasized just how strongly she felt for him. Toshiro didn't want to push her away now. He needed to know there was at least a chance that she could love him. He was beginning to feel as though life...and the trials ahead of him...would only be harder to overcome if she were to be removed from the picture.

Still, the situation made it difficult to admit the depth of his own feelings to her in words. He felt as though speaking them would only make parting more difficult if they ended up having to.

Seeing Ariadne's body tense a bit, obviously a little concerned with what he might say or do next, Toshiro reached to wrap his arms around her slight body again. Drawing her into him to hold Ariadne against his chest, it would have been no use resisting the strength he used to do so. Not holding her was not an option.

He went back to burying his face in her mess of ringlets for hair. Partially, it was in order to hide the fact that he was about to choke on so many words he wanted to say. Swallowing hard against them, he inhaled her intoxicating scent deeply, finding it exponentially more difficult with every passing moment not to tell her that he cared for her just as deeply. His arms wouldn't release her, and as he struggled not to have to speak -he usually said something wrong every time he opened his mouth anyway- Toshiro started crying.

The change in his breath might have been noticeable as he lay kisses into her hair and on the side of her face then, while tears streamed down his cheeks. It wasn't that he'd lost his will to be strong in the face of the adversity of his trials, rather...she'd made him so happy.

Could it have been the first time he'd ever cried because he was happy? Most likely, such was the case. So, before Ariadne had a chance to question it, Toshiro brought one hand up to direct her chin, his lips quickly silencing her own with an ardent kiss.

His happiness in that moment had caused him to forget anything about the upcoming double date with Jungi and Lyria.

Waiting for his reaction was like waiting for someone to stab her in the heart. Every moment longer it took him was a moment she was in pain. Her breath caught in her throat when he wrapped her in his arms and took her head to his chest. His face was in her hair again. She was in shock. Ari didn’t know what to do, so she clung to him. She was comforted, strangely by his initial reaction to draw her to him. He wanted to be close to her, that was what he was doing.

She could feel more than see his tears. He was crying. Please say they were not the kind of tears he would cry to tell her he couldn’t love her or wouldn’t. She wasn’t prepared for that now. Ariadne had been strong for a long time now, emotionally, it would break her to know he did not feel anything for her. Still better than being left in the dark without a clue right?

When she couldn’t take his silence anymore and was about to open her mouth about it, he sealed her lips with a kiss. Her eyes closed as her lips met his, moving under the force of his own. Ariadne felt her whole body quiver with the dissipation of all her tension. Her hand moved up to his jaw, as if hold his face, her mouth moved to kiss him again. She knew he could not possibly love anyone but her when he kissed her and cried for loving her.

This is a dream. She thought to herself. It was a wonderful dream. She could feel a giddiness come over her. Oh she wanted to stay here with him all evening long. “I was so worried.” She said, letting the hand on his face, trail where his tears had fallen. “I thought you and Lyria were together.” She explained which was going to make their date rather awkward really.

She stopped talking to look into his eyes and then kissed him again.

Toshiro

Again, he might had seemed a bit surprised when it came to the mention of Lyria and he wondered if the girl'd been talking about her visits to see him a lot? Maybe she had been daydreaming? Inwardly, he found it a little amusing, but he didn't feel as though he'd ever given the girl any reason to think he was 'with' her. He almost snorted over the idea, but that was when Ariadne leaned in to kiss him again.

Well Toshiro wasn't about to be the first to object over another kiss. Toshiro found himself really enjoying these kisses of hers however, in the back of his mind he wondered if it was OK for them to continue on like this, even if he still hadn't admitted his feelings to her in words yet? Because he'd still planned on holding Ari at a bit of a distance for a while, until after Commander Kondo returned for him. He would need to focus on his own individual training anyway. Right?

Regardless of what his mind seemed to argue, Toshiro's body didn't let him push her away any sooner than it had before. His arms still held her with significant strength to his chest, hardly releasing Ariadne from the kiss long enough for either of them to breathe. So, perhaps a little surprisingly, the longer they were there like that together, the more gentle he seemed to become in the way that his hands held her, and in the way that his lips found hers. His reactions to her were becoming more like that of a gentle lover.

Of course, other parts of him desired more, but that too, was probably asking too much; similarly as he'd silenced any words behind his lips that might reveal the fuller depth of his feelings for her, he didn't feel as though he had the freedom to ask her to stay with him in the night. He did not want to let Ari go though. He too, would have preferred that they remain in eachother's company all evening long.

Did he even know about Lyria’s thoughts on the two them? It was fairly clear he was amused but that alone did not make him innocent of it. Ari felt a bit guilty then, if the other girl had read into Toshiro’s actions as liking her and he didn’t because of Ariadne, then she was a horrible friend. Lyria was younger and less wise to men than she was, she had probably seen things that were not truly there. In the end it didn’t matter, no amount of guilt would make her give him up for someone else.

Ariadne knew how rare love was in this world and she wouldn’t lightly cast it aside for anything. Her body was responding to the gentling of his arms and kissing In a similar way becoming softer and gentler. She couldn’t take much more of his kissing before she would lose her thought process entirely. She moved the palm of her hand to his mouth. “I could kiss you forever if I had no one to think of but you and I.”

She gave him a soft smile, explaining her situation, “I have Thessaly all day tomorrow. Toddlers wake up early.” Her explanation would hopefully be enough for him. Nothing was stopping him from walking home with her though, if he was so inclined. There was the complication of dealing with her family if he stayed at her house that she wanted to avoid; which meant she would have to spend all night without him and all day the next day.

Even as she spoke of leaving for the night, her arms were wrapped around his neck. Her mind had every intention of leaving and her body had every intention of staying right where it was. She needed him to say goodnight to her or walk home with her, anything but start kissing her again. If he did that she would forget the time and forget her responsibilities and indulge her desires.

She moved the palm of her hand to his mouth. “I could kiss you forever if I had no one to think of but you and I.”

He wanted to tell her then, that she didn't have to stop. He didn't want her to. The urge he felt to be with her then, was only becoming strong, which...in a way...he was still reluctant to allow for.

So when Ariadne spoke of her having to leave to care for her daughter in her own home, he wanted to think of following her. Toshiro could easily be with her for a number of hours into the night and then before anyone else woke -before anyone else was aware of his presence there- he could leave. But then, would Ariadne think that he'd only gone then to find temporary pleasure, making it seem as though he'd never considered any longer term relationship with her?

Either way, now could not be the time for them to be together in that way. Like speaking the fullness of his thoughts to her on his feelings for her, this was a step he could not take yet. For her sake and his own.

Toshiro continued to hold her while her arms were around his neck for a moment longer. "There's a farewell dinner for Jungi day after tomorrow. Do you still want to go?"

Ariadne took that as an opportunity to let go of him before she stood up, she kissed him one more time. Standing up, she responded, “I’m not going to stand Jungi up. I already invited Lyria as your date, so you better come.” She laughed. Finding the entire situation amusing at the moment, although that would likely change the day of, depending on how clingy Lyria was to Toshiro. Then again if he wanted to back out of this relationship, it would be the perfect opportunity for him.

She hadn’t moved to leave yet, holding on to the feelings she had felt while in his arms. Ariadne found it hard to turn around and walk away. Still she left in much better spirits than she had come. Even if he hadn’t expressed in words his feeling for her, she knew he did and that was all that mattered. She read into his emotions well most of the time, she doubted that she would be mistaken in this.

Her thoughts took her back to his issues with his Master. Hoping that if nothing else, he would be able to face that without doubt or fear that we was not good enough. Ariadne knew he did not believe in things the way she did but soon he would realize, he did not have to avoid love to be strong. He would see that love was in fact strength. Love was the only thing in life worth dying for.

Afraid that if he walked her home, he would end up staying there, Toshiro stood a moment after she did. Feeling as though all o f his senses were filled with a memory of her from the time they'd just spent in eachother's embrace, he too was feeling in better spirits; though that did little for now to assure him of any success concerning the inevitable future meeting with his master.

Taking both weapons into his left hand, Toshiro stepped forward to place his hand under her chin, he resisted the urge to kiss her again, letting it be enough for now, that he could gaze into the depths of her eyes.

"Then,... I will see you at that time." The Captain didn't dare embrace her again just yet, because he was afraid he wouldn't let go of her this time. Knowing it was better taking that opportunity to depart, it was with reluctance he spoke, "I'll be going. Goodnight."

Immediate, Toshiro turned from her to head back to his barracks, giving himself no more time to change his mind about accompanying her any further.