Innocence Lost (Tags: Tsuki. Mature thread)

Sh’nar couldn’t seem to think rationally. Despite feeling an obligation usually to protect Tsuki, right now Sh’nar’s lust, jealousy and anger were in charge of his thoughts. When her hand was held over his, the lust started to win out over the anger and the jealousy. The fact that he knew her and he shouldn’t probably only made things more enticing for him in that moment. He looked down on her innocent face and saw only a beautiful woman. When she offered to help him, his grip relaxed as he had no idea how tightly he had been holding on. His hand slid down to hers.

“Lost Jeneveth’s Flight is all.” He said gruffly, he could barely get the words out without feeling angry. “You can help if you want to.” He made himself say the last part. If she didn’t he’d be reluctant to let her go but he couldn’t allow himself to force her. Maybe he could but he would hate himself for it. He took her concern for consent and with a slightly less tight grip on her hand he led her to his weyr. Opening the door with a shove, he made sure she was all the way in before he closed the door.

He wasn’t really going to ask permission anymore. She was there with him. She should know by now that flights left men with needs and they were unaware of what they were doing half the time. Sh’nar was well past worry or care. He wanted what he wanted and he would have it. His hand pulled her body to his, where his other arm moved easily to hold her against him, not too tightly. It was as tender a hold he could manage in his current condition.

First he removed the veil she wore to cover her face, lightly tracing the scar on her left cheek. “Beautiful.” She was only slightly taller than Belisse so it was easy for him to adjust his height to kiss her. His mouth was on hers at fist the kisses were dry, quick and soft. As he became more aroused by her, they became hotter, wetter and longer. He began to gently move her back towards the bed. If she wanted him to stop, it would be now or never.

Sh'nar's hand dropping to her own, Tsuki was temporarily reassured. He was asking for her help now. He needed her help. "I..I'll do what I can." She wasn't sure how to say no just then, but even so, there was no more time to think about it. Sh'nar led them quickly to his own weyr and had the door closed before she knew it.

With the exit blocked, Tsuki's previous feelings of reassurance were beginning to diminish once more. Sh'nar was in such a rush; Tsuki found herself held tightly in the Bronzerider's arms quickly enough that there was no time to think or speak. Her mind was so frantic, she could hardly remember why she'd agreed to come with him in the first place.

Sh'nar had removed the embroidered pink veil from her face then. He was recklessly revealing her deepest insecurities by doing so. She would have threatened to lash out at him or scream or fight it in some way, yet.. Sh'nar was saying that she was beautiful! Confused and afraid, feeling naked before him after he'd removed the thin cloth that covered only her face, Tsuki suddenly became an outpouring of conflicted emotion, her eyes welling with tears.

What was he doing? How could Sh'nar do this to her? He knew how ashamed she'd been made to feel about her scars, and now he had stripped her of her veritable security blanket. She wanted to feel so angry at him. At first, as she started to cry, her small hands balled into fists, ineffectively hitting his arms to dissuade him. But then she was beautiful to him.. and they were kissing.

Never having experienced such passion nor such arousal before, it became more and more difficult to be so upset with him. It was also a futile fight against fate to try and resist at that point anyway. Tsuki's whole body seemed to melt in his arms where he held her against him, her body so overwhelmed by the mixture of feelings and rising lust, she could hardly tell if she was standing on her own two feet anymore. The kissing didn't help her situation either, because the lack of coming up for air had her head spinning. When she did periodically gasp for breath between ardent osculations, it was with continued tears and a trembling body.

He could see the turmoil in her face but she never actually asked him to stop. She seemed more upset about her veil being removed. The scar on her cheek was not ugly him. In the heat of passion he found it endearing and unique. He would reassure her again of her beauty later.

Now he moved his mouth from her mouth, so she could catch her breath. He was unaware of the tears although he could sense her tensing now and then. Sh’nar was not much in control of his thoughts. He barely realized whom he was with. His body was acting on a feral desire that had more to do with Cymrioth than his own mental state.

Sh’nar acting on his desires alone. He tore her clothing off of her, kissing her when he had. “So beautiful.” He repeated, as he scooped her up into his arms and placed her in the middle of his bed. The bed was well made, comfortable and luckily the bedding was quite clean. He was on the bed next to her in no time flat. He was quick to start kissing her again only he had moved on from her lips to her neck just under her jawline, then traveled down, slowly to her collar bone.

He couldn’t continue to keep his own needs waiting, so he began to work on his own pants. They ended up on the floor along with his underwear. Sh’nar moved on top of her to continue in his lustful desires.

(Black out)

After he had sated his lust, Sh’nar had curled himself around the young woman in bed with him, falling into a deep sleep. Anyone else who had experienced flight lust knew how exhausting it could be. When he woke up, he felt really good. Usually Sh’nar did not hook up with people outside of flights and even when he lost he tried to get to his weyr.

Which is what he had done earlier only he had been intercepted by a beautiful young woman. He smiled at the memory of her so innocent and pretty. She had trusted him to take care of her, and he had. She should have no complaints at all, he thought smugly. Smiling as he opened his eyes, everything began to hit him. S’jiro was going to kill him. His sister, the virgin hold bred girl. Oh Faranth was he in trouble!

Gently, his finger traced her cheek, “Tsuki, are you alright?” Concern was clear in his voice.

It simply wasn't possible that Sh'nar was himself. Deep down inside though, Tsuki wanted to believe that what Sh'nar was saying was something he truly believed. She wanted to believe that this was all happening because even if he had never admitted it to himself, he must have had feelings for her in some way -even if he did like Belisse because she was a Goldrider. A Goldrider was a tempting prize for any Bronzerider. But now she and Sh'nar were here together, like this. Was it possible for him to have felt nothing and still...

All other questions were pushed to the back of her mind as his infectious passion grew into something that neither of them could have hoped to control. Inexperience left her not knowing what to do in their situation, but Sh'nar, who had no hesitations, deftly and gently guided her. His every touch felt so warm. As their night drew on, it became easier and easier to melt into his arms without second thoughts. The Bronzerider's voice was too reassuring and he'd been so desirous of her. Surely there was nothing wrong in something as wonderful as this?




Of course, Sh'nar had done well to erase all of the girl's fears during their love making the night before, but come morning, her insecurities had renewed themselves, still not emotionally having come to terms with what had transpired.

Even before her eyes opened, as she'd awoken to feeling the warmth of a man's body, Sh'nar's body!, in close proximity, her pert little nose had scrunched, and her forehead creased into a disbelieving, if not kind of cute face. She was startled out of it when Sh'nar's hand came to stroke her face. It was that side of her face that she so often kept covered. Almost frightfully, her hand rose to cover her cheek, eyes wide as they stared back at him. But then she could remember all of the times in that night before that he told her she was beautiful, and her body was able to relax a little.

Tsuki's head reeled with questions and worry, feeling for the first time a deep embarrassment and perhaps even shame, regarding their deed. And when Sh'nar asked after her to see how she was feeling, her creamy complexion gradually began to flush red with a blush. Then, regardless of what feelings he might have for her, Tsuki's body turned rigid with fear. "Sh'..Sh'nar? What happened?"

S'jiro had been right -Tsuki was a fragile girl who needed their protecting. She wasn't like Weyrbred girls, and right now, the mixture of embarrassment and fearful uncertainty left her in great need of comfort and reassurance, almost too afraid to move. Truly, she must have seemed like such a young and innocent thing in that moment. But at least she was here with Sh'nar. And Sh'nar had always helped look out for her. Surely he would never do anything that would be disgrace her or bring any kind of harm to her. Tsuki would just have to trust in him.

Though Sh’nar did think Tsuki very pretty, he was in no position whatsoever to offer her fidelity of any kind. Hold-bred girls were the ones he felt the worst for at the Weyr. They had no idea what they were getting themselves into. He had been under the strong motivations of flight lust, he reassured himself but somehow he knew that Tsuki would lie with him. Somehow his feral mind knew she would allow him to do anything to her and he was angry that the wildness within him had taken control.

He sat up, making sure he covered his lower parts with the blanket. “Has S’jiro not told you about flight lust? I guess not, hmmm. Well, when dragons lose flights, especially Gold Flights they go into this much more feral mind frame where they need to satisfy their physical desire. I’m so sorry Tsuki if I hurt you. I was under the effect of this flight lust, I had been trying to get back to my weyr without bothering anyone but I came across you. Someone I knew who is very pretty and I must have known you would comply.”

He got up and wrapped the blanket around his waist so he would not cause her more embarrassment. “We had sexual relations last night, Tsuki. No doubt you will see maiden’s blood on the sheets.” He said, as he gathered their clothes off the floor. He came back to the bed with her veil and her garments. “If I hurt you, I didn’t mean to.” He said indicating the bruising on her arm. “I was dangerous under my flight lust. Its why I didn’t grab a flight moth. I wasn’t sure if I would kill someone or make love to them. Luckily you were so innocent and sweet that my anger subsided and making love won out.”

Sh’nar didn’t know what to say that could reassure her. He could very well have ruined her prospects if she was still interested in marrying outside of the weyr. He had also likely ruined his friendship with S’jiro. Still he wanted to make her realize he didn’t think her someone he could just sleep with and leave on their own to figure things out. She was so innocent. Sh’nar felt sorry that her first time had to be under the haze and passion of flight lust.

“You don’t need this veil you know. It is harder to see you pretty mouth and high cheekbones.” He placed the clothes next to her on the bed and leaned down to kiss her forehead. “Now what we need to do is have a relaxing bath and something to eat.”

As Sh'nar was getting himself out of bed and explaining everything to her, he knew that somewhere along the line, during her time here, she had learned about the flight lust he described. But that was it first hand? Tsuki didn't remember sitting up, but she too, began covering with the linens on the bed, but only looked at her clothes in a daze, as he placed them beside her.

Had she been foolish to go with him? No. Tsuki was shaking her head then. Yes? But she had been trying to help Sh'nar in a time of need. Had she helped him? There was nothing wrong with laying with him, was there?

Tsuki was so quiet and while Sh'nar spoke of his thoughts about her having no need for the veil, she wondered if he only spoke them to console her and make the whole situation less awkward. Her hand had come up slowly to rest again on that cheek in consideration of his words though she still appeared a little dazed and disbelieving of it all. Of everything.

She'd moved to start picking up her clothes but...he'd literally torn through some of the seams. Why didn't she remember that? Though not at all accusing, her eyes lifted to meet his own. She wondered what they would do next until he mentioned a bath and food, at which point, Tsuki got up from the bed without any seeming concern for keeping herself covered. Yes...a bath. Food. He was right. Those would be good.

Since he'd taken the blanket from the bed though, glancing back at it as though she might have second thoughts about leaving that spot, the blood left on the sheets was apparent. The entire experience physically and emotionally draining, the sight of her own blood only made her dizzy again; Tsuki's legs lost their strength, collapsing out from under her, sending her to the ground.

Sh’nar knew he was an asshole. This scenario pretty much confirmed it. Though it seemed to him Tsuki was taking it all rather well. If she was going to be this understanding maybe S’jiro wouldn’t be that hard on him. Although she was being rather quiet about the whole experience which led him to wonder how much she remembered. Just as he found his pants, he heard a thud on the other side of the room.

Running over to that side of the bed, he was frantic. He lifted her up off the floor where she fell and laid her back on the bed. “Tsuki.” He said her name softly. Hoping she would still be conscious. She was so light in his arms when he lifted her, it was a wonder he hadn’t crushed her earlier. “What do you remember?” He asked her, wondering if perhaps the experience had been more scarring than the actual scar on her face had been. Maybe she would forgive him. Maybe she wouldn’t.

The fact of the matter was what was done, was done. They couldn’t go back and erase what happened. He wanted to be sorrier but he was feeling so much better than he had before he had slept with her. He really thought it had gone pretty well. She really shouldn’t have too much to complain about in the love making department. He was generally a good lover, although he wasn’t as experienced as some of the other Bronzeriders. He was a lot pickier than most of them too. Tsuki should consider herself lucky to be one of the few Sh’nar had slept with.

“If you have concerns, ask me anything.” He said, wanting to reassure her that this happened all the time at the Weyr. It wasn’t normal in the Hold but at the Weyr women had multiple partners and no one blamed anyone for what happened under flight lust. Queen flights were especially strong for some people.

However much Sh'nar feared Tsuki might be angry at him, somehow, she didn't feel any reason to be upset at him for what had happened. Perhaps simply because of the history between he and her brother, she found it hard to be mad at him at all.. even if what happened was wrong. She understood what he was trying to tell her about the previous night, but none of it made her feel any better about losing her virginity. And wouldn't things be awkward now between them? What would her brother think?

While Sh'nar picked her up, placing her back on the bed, Tsuki's emotional disconcertion turned into a bit of a panic. Latching her arms around his neck, Tsuki refused to let him go. Of course he was much stronger than she, and easily probably twice her size, so he could have broken her hold if he wanted to. She was looking for comfort though, and somehow, she was still able to trust him, so she looked to him to be that source. Her voice, though insistent, was barely audible, "Hold me!"

The girl looked up through straight black hair left in wild tangles from their romp in the sack together, her dark eyes backlit by warm honey hues, displaying all the worry she felt inside that she could not find a way to speak out loud. So it became all the more plaintive when she added with genuinely pouty lips, "Please. Just...for a little."

Sh’nar was feeling a bit more like a jerk now that the young woman seemed to be taking things hard. He had thought that it would be difficult for her to know she was no longer a virgin, that he had in fact tainted her in the eyes of the Holders. However here at the weyr it would not change anything for her. He would never tell anyone or boast about it. He had plenty of other things to worry about than to try to make her look like a slut. Besides he was supposed to be protecting her before all of this happened, that wouldn’t change now. Nothing would really change.

“As long as you want to be held.” He said, wondering what had suddenly prompted her to need his comfort. He got back on the bed and pulled the small woman to his chest. He held her in his strong arms, with some pressure but not enough to make her feel forced just to make her feel more safe. “Shhh.” He said softly, letting her head rest on his shoulder as he held her. He let his hand run through her hair in a soothing motion. It was something he used on his daughter to calm her. He hoped it comforted Tsuki.

“Everything is alright. You didn’t do anything wrong.” And the way he said you, meant that he thought he had done something wrong and she was free from any involvement. He had no idea how that might make her feel though. What if she was glad that he had been the one to do it? He’d never thought that maybe Tsuki might like him. Maybe she had come willingly though the bruise on her arm suggested otherwise in his mind.

“Did you want to be with me?” He asked, thinking that he would feel even worse if she said he had forced her. He couldn’t even imagine doing it. If he had he was no better than his father. He hated his father. He didn’t want to hate himself too. Of course none of this would have happened if they had won the flight. He was growing more and more pissed off about that outcome. Belisse should have been with him last night then Tsuki would have been spared. He had bedded Belisse long before the flight on purpose. Flight lust could result in rough love-making.

Sh’nar wasn’t completely unaware of his own attractions. Most women would have been thrilled. He was handsome and a Bronzerider. Tsuki never seemed all that concerned with rank, not in the same way her brother was. In all honesty, he figured his only saving grace when it came to this evening was that he was a Bronzerider. Friendship didn’t matter when it came to taking the virginity of an innocent little sister.

Being held like that in Sh'nar's arms she did consider herself lucky. Perhaps too naive to see how she'd been used, or too forgiving of a friend to want to believe that he'd wrong her in any way, Tsuki remained there, allowing him to comfort her. His soothing worked, and she no longer felt quite like crying. Her face had been buried into his shoulder and chest where she faced him, feeling like such a silly little girl; but that's probably just what she was. But to her, it was OK now that Sh'nar was seeing her like this, because she knew he was accepting of her and he loved her -even if it wasn't in the same way he loved Belisse.


“Did you want to be with me?”

Unanswering, Tsuki seemed to be holding her breath over that question, unsure of what to answer. She never thought that they'd end up sleeping together; and in her mind, that was still a terrible thing! But he was comforting her now, so that made her feel better. And it could have been worse. What if some Bronzerider she didn't know had found her? What if her first experience in bed had turned out much more traumatic or physically abusive? He was right...things had turned out fine. Hadn't they? This was normal for Weyr life. She was just going to have to accept that she wasn't living in the holds anymore.

To answer him then, after a long pause, she tried to assure him, "If Sh'nar needed me, then I'm wanted to be there for him. No matter what." As if shy about sharing those feelings, Tsuki kept her face hidden in his shoulder, hands clutching at him still, though her body had relaxed where they lay together. Her eyes had closed again sleepily by that point, though she did think that a bath would help refresh her.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

S'jiro had risen before his Green flightmate from the day before, having already bathed and dressed, drying his hair with a towel just as the woman was rolling toward the edge of the bed to see him, having just awoken, herself.

The Greenrider was smiling, glad to have a catch like a Bronzerider to share her bed with, even if it was only for one night. Only, S'jiro had apparently said a few things in the heat of the moment(s) that brought her to believe he might be willing to stick around. Somehow, granted his reputation for disliking low rankers should have been enough to make her second guess the truth of those words at a time like that.

In any case, making her way now across the sleeping room toward him, her hands reached for him, at which point S'jiro backpedaled against the wall, dropping his towel to the chair beside him. Thinking that she might tease him with her womanly wiles to entice him into bed again. "You were so charming last night. After all the rumours I heard,.. I don't know how they could be true." She was dancing onto tip toes then with fingers lost through his hair while she considered making love to him again. In that moment, she idly chewed her bottom lip, expecting him to throw her back on the bed at any moment, continuing to confess his love to her.

S'jiro thought her voice was cute and she was seductive, but that was not enough to make him want to be with her. She was a commoner, and he had no reason to need to couple with her again -nor be seen in her presence outside of a flight. Moving abruptly out of arms' reach, the Bronzerider tore from her grasp and was heading toward the door, excusing himself. The woman nearly toppled over when he did so, so startled by his brusk get away. "I'm sorry, my dear. I've changed my mind about loving you. I have to leave now."

The shock on the Greenrider's face was something he missed getting to see, but he was not surprised when, just as he escaped through the door, something was thrown and shattered, against the wall next to him, followed by her less than pleased rantings.




One of Tsuki's fellow Apprentice Harpers came running to S'jiro's side, as soon as he was on the ground levels. The Breathless woman seemed frantic, which automatically worried S'jiro because he knew her as one of his sister's friends. "Mela? Is there something the matter?"

Barely having had time to ask, she was relating to him how Tsuki never came to home to their shared room the night before, and there had been a flight, and she'd heard stories...but whatever the case, his sister had been missing, only Mela feared the worst! She knew how gentle and too-trusting Tsuki was. If she were caught in a situation like that -or any situation- it was likely she'd find herself getting hurt.

S'jiro left the other Apprentice Harper then, thinking to find Sh'nar so that they could search the Weyr together.. maybe search the weyrs of other riders first, who'd participated in the flight.

Sh’nar wasn’t sure if that was a good answer but it was better than her being upset he supposed. Not to worry though, her brother would be upset for her. Part of him wondered if S’jiro really needed to know. For Tsuki’s sake he had better be the one to tell him. Faranth what would happen if his friend came looking for him and saw her here like this. That would be awful for both of them. He didn’t want Tsuki anywhere near her brother when he told him what happened. It would be better for her not to hear him get angry cause she was sensitive, she had done nothing wrong at all.

“You did help me.” He said kindly. She had indeed helped him whether he thought of it that way or not. He would prefer to think of it her way. Made him seem like less of a monster for having pressed her into doing this. There was no doubt in his mind now that Tsuki had offered only to help him and had no idea what that would entail. Kissing the top of her head, he spoke softly, “Would you like a bath?” He indicated his private bathing area.

“Do you feel steady enough to make it over there? I can carry you.” He suggested. Not moving until she was willing to move. He wasn’t trying to rush her out but he knew S’jiro and her brother was likely looking for her. Whether she had thought about her brother’s reaction to this or not he didn’t know but Sh’nar had. It was one of main reasons this had become a complicated situation.

He didn’t really know how to love people the romantic way that ballads spoke of. He could be kind, he could care about other people but he didn’t allow himself that feeling of truly being in love with another person. It might be that his jealousy over the flight had little to do with his own feelings and more to do with Cymrioth. However, he might be starting to imagine Belisse being someone he could love as something more than he did now. Tsuki was like a little sister to him. It made this so much worse. He would never harm her, or hurt her feelings the way he could other people. And he did love her, but again it wasn’t a romantic love.

“Would you like a bath?” With the more typical happy innocence, Tsuki glanced up at him with those fawn-like eyes,.. though they did not seem to shine as brightly, probably due to her uncertainty of the whole situation. "Please." Nodding, she turned to get up from the bed, certain that her strength was returning to her.. yet, just in case, she was reaching out for his hand to hold onto.

Tsuki had always been a pleasant and quiet, obedient child, which is why her parents had chosen to marry her off before her eldest sister -which is where the jealousy spawned from. Even now, she was thinking of others before herself, though, given the particular situation, she wanted some sort of reassurance as far as his feelings for her went. She knew that in the holds, married couples who could love eachother lay together, and in the weyrs she was becoming more familiar with the reasons that brought them together however, it was the expectations she'd been raised by that she tended to hold to... so when they'd arrived at the bath, it was Tsuki's turn to question the Bronzerider.

She went to sit on the edge of the tub, taking the jar of scrubbing sands into hand, not seeming ashamed now of her naked form being seen infront of him. Meeting his gaze, Tsuki asked almost as quietly as before; even so, her words were not unkind in any way, or accusing, "Sh'nar. If you...could tell me you love me, it will be alright. I won't have to feel bad about what happened."

In that pause that followed, Tsuki was swishing her hand through the water that filled the tub, testing its temperature. "I know you love Belisse. S'jiro has told me so. But that's different. You can love me, too. Can't you?" Turning so that she could slip her feet first into the water over the tub's edge, Tsuki tried to hide her face from him where tears shimmered in her eyes. "I don't think I could live with myself knowing that that most important thing -my first time- was taken by someone who feels nothing for me. So please. Can you say it once? and Love me in your own way."

The young Bronzerider helped her to the bath and stayed in the bathing area should she need him for support. He needed a bath himself but he wasn’t about to get in with her. He didn’t know how to assuage her distress. She seemed to still be in the mind-set of a Holder. Sh’nar could lie to her and say he loved her the way she wanted him to. Even when she brought up Belisse, his face didn’t seem to confirm or deny how he felt about the Goldrider. In fact he wasn’t really sure where they stood at the moment, let alone decide what his feelings might be concerning Belisse. He had never said he loved her.

And that was not an admission that he did not love her. He didn’t know what he truly felt for the Queenrider. Especially now. He was angry and jealous and disappointed. He really was in no mood to deal with that issue. It made talking to Tsuki a little more complicated though. Should he be honest about his feelings? Would what he said make it okay for her still? He knew better. Women were the same on that front. Wasn’t his inability to admit any feeling for Karayla the reason they had split up?

He could sense the tears in the inflection of her voice. Sh’nar felt much worse now than he had before. However, he could give her what she wanted. What could it hurt? She just needed him to say it so that she could believe this all happened out of love. “I love you.” He said in a soft, warm voice. It was convincingly done but then Sh’nar was a singer and a bit manipulative. He could probably make her believe it was true even if she didn’t want it to be.

“I’m not just saying the words to you. Tsuki, I love you differently than I love Belisse but I do care about you. You know I do. I’ve been protecting you and watching out for you since S’jiro introduced us. It is hard because you were a little sister to me before and now things are different. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you as much as I did before.” He wanted to reassure her than he would be there if she ever did need him but he didn’t know how to do so without causing more tears.

Tsuki kept her expression hidden until she'd slipped into the water up to her shoulder, at which point a child-like smile came back to her face. She understood what kind of love Sh'nar had for her, and it was OK that that was the only kind of love he could give her for now. She had told him she'd be accepting of that. As long as he had feelings for her.

Though the water was warm, a shiver shook her slight shoulders, at which point she hugged arms around herself before finally dipping herself completely under the water and coming back up to face Sh'nar. The smile extant, Tsuki, eyed him more happily now. She believed his words, and she took comfort in the warmth in which he spoke to her.

Sh'nar was right though, things would be...a little different between them now, but she didn't need to act that way. In her own mind now, she could think that she'd done a good thing for him, and as a friend or little sister might, she could make sacrifices...She'd do anything for them.

She tried not to think about how he felt in bed. A little of the emotional shock wearing off, she could begin to remember what it was like...just a little. Knowing it was probably a bad thing to be thinking about, she tried to hide how the smile had vacated her expression, leaving her in obvious thought. Only, just as quickly, she wanted to try and forget, because she couldn't think about Sh'nar that way; and the more she remembered how good it felt to be with him like that, the more she would want it again.

To divert her own attention, Tsuki splashed him with water playfully, laughing. The two of them had been swimming together before, so how much more different was this? Tsuki was trying to justify it in her own mind, being there with him naked, even though she had already decided to be accepting of the fact that she'd done something good for him, and it was nothing to be ashamed about.

Canting her head to one side while her bottom lip puckered into a bit of a worrisome pout, it was because she'd seen that nervous fear in his eyes over the thing they'd done. Now, it was her turn to share a little concern over him. "Sh'nar? It'll be OK. I love you like that too. And...so...it's probably better...if it had to happen, that it was you. I love you." She was able to smile up at him then, seeming as innocent as ever.

"Also, Sh'nar..." Pausing to bring her hand to where the burn scars marked her face, the light in her eyes did not disappear fearfully or with shame, "Thank you. If this never happened, I don't know if I would feel this way right now. But after the things you said, I feel like I can be myself around someone else finally. I don't have to be ashamed of myself around you. You don't know what a relief that is..because around everyone else..." Around everyone else, she was an embarrassment to her parents.

Sh’nar was slowly feeling less and less like a douche. He picked up on her more playful vibe and found himself relaxing. He wanted to trust that she would not be upset later but he had a feeling that once she was alone all of this would hit her. How she reacted then he could only guess however he knew it would not be pleasant for her. She had grown up with such a strict holder family, he could only imagine the stress they put on her not bedding a man until she was married.

As she began to speak about her scar he was reassuring. “I know what it feels like to be ashamed of who you are, Tsuki.” He said, although it might seem strange looking at Sh’nar. It wasn’t like there was anything unsightly about him and he had heard quite the opposite was true from numerous sources but he wasn’t always tall and strong. “Most people would never guess that I had a very rough childhood.”

He waded into the bath across from her, getting the feeling she didn’t mind. It was big enough to hold more than two people. After dunking his head in the water, he took some of the sweat sand he had set on the side and scrubbed it over his hair. All the while he was carrying on a casual conversation. He had no confidence issues now. “I was beaten, badgered and bullied by my father till I knew every ballad by heart. He made sure I joined the boys’ choir at age four and was a soloist by the time I was six.”

He paused to dunk his head in the water. Once the sand was rinsed out of his hair, he continued, “I don’t really like thinking about that time of my life but in a way it is what shaped me to become who I am now. I decided after I had enough of being beaten and bullied by both my father and the other boys that I would learn to defend myself. I found the only reason some people didn’t have power was because they didn’t know they had any. Once someone realizes they do have control over their own lives and gain the confidence to be who they are, no one can touch them. I am strong now because I was weak then. But I spent turns being ashamed of who I was, thinking I was dumb and weak.”

He took more sweat sand in his hands and began to scrub it into his right arm and then his left. “I can tell you that there is nothing for you to be ashamed of. Anyone can see you are a beautiful woman even with the veil though I personally think it is better to be able to see someone’s mouth when they are speaking. You get a hint of what their emotion is by seeing it.”

The girl was attentive to what he said, surprised at his own story, feeling empathetic, until he got in the water. She tried to imagine that Sh'nar was her brother to make things better. Sh'nar was sort of like a brother to her anyway, and growing up all her siblings had bathed together frequenty. They were not ashamed of their nakedness; but that wasn't what made her feel awkward now.

After last night, something had changed. Maybe her parents had been right and giving ones self to a man in an intimate way was a much bigger deal than she imagined. It wasn't that she didn't understand the importance of purity, but...experiencing it first hand had proved different. Gradually, it was all catching up to her. She couldn't help but start to see herself differently, now that she was no longer 'innocent'. Tsuki could forgive Sh'nar; that had been no lie. But that didn't answer how she would be able to live with herself after.


In the midst of those thoughts, Tsuki heard sounds coming from the other room. Inevitably there came a voice with it.

It was S'jiro's, "Sh'nar! You home?" Well Cymiroth was on his ledge nearby anyway; that should mean that Sh'nar was around. "Yo, Sh'nar!"

Sh’nar didn’t have time to consider what he was going to say to S’jiro as his friend burst into his weyr. Putting a finger to his lips, he signaled for Tsuki to be quiet, then got out of the water. “Be out in a minute!” He called out of the bath area, counting on S’jiro’s holdbred sensibilities to keep him from entering the bathing area. Quickly catching the water on his body with a towel, he dried himself until he was no longer dripping wet then tied the towel around his waist. Whispering to Tsuki, “Take your time.” He said, figuring she wasn’t ready to deal with her brother and his expectations of her.

“S’jiro.” He greeted, and walked out of his bath area, making sure to close the door behind him. His bed was obviously disheveled. However, Sh’nar was smiling as if nothing had happened. He knew how to play it cool. Even when his best friend was clearly upset about something, Sh’nar knew how to act. He was going to play it off like he had no idea what could possibly be wrong. “What is the matter?” He asked, seeing the look on his best friend’s face. He could hazard a pretty good guess.

Cymrioth was on his ledge a drab, grayish hue of his usual sandy bronze coloring. The disappointment of the flight results much clearer in his appearance than his rider’s. Sh’nar seemed to be completely fine with everything that had happened, although it wasn’t true, he could make people believe he was not phased by what had transpired. He was a good actor, a good liar, someone who would be able to manipulate this situation to his advantage.

His mind was rapidly searching for a way out of his current situation. There was no real way of making this sound good to the ears of his best friend. No matter what angle he looked at it, he knew S’jiro was going to flip out on him.

When Sh'nar came from the bathing area wrapped in a towel, S'jiro seemed frantic, speaking immediately, "Sh'nar, no one can find Tsuki since yesterday. That's so unlike her. She's still missing and I'm afraid that something terrible may have happened. You have to help me look for her."


Tsuki was quiet and still, not because she was trying to hide anything from Jiro, but because more and more she was starting to feel ashamed of herself; and that made her fear return. She started feeling a little sick to her stomach -it was her nerves.

Normally he would be throwing some clothes on and rushing to help search for S’jiro’s sister but Sh’nar didn’t move. He stood there, confidence bordering on arrogance, as was his usual stance. Having already established that there was no good way to tell S’jiro what had happened, the least he could do was be honest. If he lied, it would only be worse for him later and although Sh’nar was a believable liar, he preferred to keep the one friendship he had intact.

Sadly he hadn’t thought about that before he was in bed with his best friend’s sister. Normally he would never have done that, no matter how pretty and sweet S’jiro’s sister was.

Sh’nar could see the urgency and anxiety in the other man’s face. “Tsuki is safe.” He said. Letting the words sink in a moment, he formulated his next words carefully. Before S’jiro could ask how Sh’nar could know that, he said, “She is here.” He indicated the bath area, which he had just left. Again allowing S’jiro to think about why his sister might be in Sh’nar’s weyr using his bathing area. He wasn’t sure where S’jiro’s thoughts would lead him.

In this situation it was almost better to let S’jiro figure it out for himself. He waited for all the pieces to come together. The disheveled bed, the flight the night before, the fact that Tsuki was using his bath, he knew S’jiro would figure it out and he waited to take whatever the other Bronzerider would throw at him be it punches, words or furniture. He knew that he had crossed a line but he was completely unsure of how he could have made things different.

Too many things could be factored in and it was pure chance that he had come across Tsuki. Of course had he won the flight none of this would have happened so in the end he could blame K’thane and Remegath for interfering.

Pausing with somewhat curious expression as Sh'nar somehow felt he could assure S'jiro of Tsuki's safety, it could be seen on his face, the Bronzerider was already trying to work out the how and why of it all in his head. So, he stood there, frozen until Sh'nar told him that Tsuki was in the bath. S'jiro's heart sank, eyes going wide. He shoved past his friend to go into his bathing room where he only passed just through the door...enough that he could see Tsuki was there, seeming just as frozen as he felt at that moment.

Tsuki was beginning to huddle toward the far side of the bath, wanting to curl into herself as she saw Jiro come into the room. Her eyes were plaintive and she looked lost. Of course S'jiro was already jumping to his own conclusions. As soon as he backed out of the bathing area, his eyes glancing about the room at the bed and Tsuki's clothes lain there, he didn't feel like he had to 'guess' any longer. Nor was there any need to ask.

The Bronzerider's eyes turned to his friend, wild and angry. S'jiro threw the first punch at Sh'nar's face, and whether it missed or hit didn't matter -because it wasn't about to be the last one that came flying at him. It was the first of a barrage of strikes that came at him, and S'jiro was perfectly OK with exchanging blows. Or course, S'jiro wasn't slow either, and was ready to try and dodge or block whatever Sh'nar threw at him.

Sh’nar watched everything unfold as if it were happening to someone else. It was S’jiro’s right to defend his sister’s honor. Although in all honesty how long did he expect her to remain a virgin in a place like this? If he wanted her to be safe from lustful men, the Weyr was the worst place to bring her. She wasn’t his sister though and he had not been raised like a Holder. He didn’t have the same inhibitions when it came to deflowering young women.

He was expecting the punch S’jiro threw at him but made no move to defend himself. He would allow S’jiro to continue to beat him for a little while. He had been through worse before. Although it was bringing up old, painful memories of his childhood, Sh’nar fought the instinct to fight back. He had to allow S’jiro to get his feelings out.

He wanted to punch himself this morning and maybe S’jiro could see that he hated himself a little for what happened. Never had he wanted to do this to Tsuki. “S’jiro this won’t solve anything. I don’t think this is going to help Tsuki either. What is done is done. There is no going back.” He said, knowing the girl was taking this all much harder than she was admitting to either of them.

“You know I would never hurt her on purpose.” Although the way he remembered things, she was enjoying herself and not in much pain at the time. Now though, the aftermath was what was painful and S’jiro was making it worse. Flight lust was not something he could really use as an excuse. There were flight moths outside the flight rooms he could have used. He had planned on making it to his weyr uninterrupted. He had planned on taking care of himself. This is what happened when his plans didn’t go the way they should. Yesterday was a fail as far as his plans were concerned.

S'jiro had nothing to say to Sh'nar. It didn't matter what the man said, S'jiro was still going to be pissed; and he was only feeling the slightest bit of remorse over the fact that Sh'nar wasn't even trying to fight him back. Of course S'jiro just laid more blows into him, though the more Sh'nar wouldn't fight back, the less conviction he felt for continuing to do so. The entire situation made him soooo mad though.

S'jiro yelled at him in defiance, shoving the other Bronzerider against the wall, raising his fist against him one more time. "How could you. How could you!" Practically spitting in rage, it was perfectly clear through his eyes how livid he was. "How could you touch her like that? She's my sister!"

He knew perfectly well that no matter what he did, what had happened could not be changed, and that it was probably inevitable that something like this happened but...the thought continued aloud, "She's a Harper! Not a dragonrider! This shouldn't have to happen." Somehow he'd thought that her being removed from 'their' kind in that way, she might be protected from that sort of involvement. But apparently he'd been wrong.


From the other room, S'jiro could hear Tsuki crying now, afraid of how angry he had gotten, and pained that she had been the cause of it all. S'jiro didn't make a move yet though, to comfort her, because his anger was still focused on his friend.

“I know. It shouldn’t have happened. I wasn’t in my right mind.” However his body was perfectly happy to take over. There was no denying the slim young woman was attractive. Even if he was in his right mind, under the strong desires of flight lust he would have had a hard time letting her go. As S’jiro continued to hate him, Sh’nar tried to let things go. This was the only friend he had. He had to ruin it.

Sh’nar was upset. He didn’t want to lose his friend over this. He wanted to be forgiven for this transgression but he didn’t think it was going to happen any time soon. As every punch landed and struck him, he felt less and less like he deserved it. “What did you expect S’jiro?” He asked darkly.

“It was going to happen at some point or another. You know that. She may be a Harper but she is living at the Weyr and there are plenty of men who would take advantage of the fact she is so innocent and use her.” He tried to calm himself down with a deep breath. He wasn’t going to defend himself physically. Sh’nar so often denied the violent side of himself it was easier for him to hold back.

“You should be glad it was someone who cared about her and not one of the other Bronzeriders.” And in all honesty, Sh’nar was not known to take lovers. He had his two serious relationships and maybe one or two flight moth situations. Otherwise he only slept with riders that his Bronze won flights for. It could have been a lot worse. Sh’nar even in his flight muddled mind had tried to make her comfortable too. Something that would not make S’jiro feel any better.

There was nothing really he could say in his own defense that wouldn’t be pushing blame onto someone else. He wanted to comfort Tsuki too but knew better than to do anything to her with S’jiro present.

S'jiro had apparently calmed a bit, no longer resorting to violence against his friend. But the anger was still there. Silently considering Sh'nar's words, at least the man was right -if it had to happen, at least it was Sh'nar, who would care for her.

But it was Sh'nar! His best friend! What was he thinking?!

Planting his fist against the wall then, S'jiro's head hung despairingly. After a moment though, he left Sh'nar's side to take up his sister's clothes and bring them to where Tsuki was. There, he took a towel and held it out for her. "Tsuki. We're leaving. Get dressed."

The girl got up from the bath, feeling terrible about everything. Quickly wrapping herself in the towel, she was drying and putting on her clothes without a word to either of them.

Sh’nar watched S’jiro process everything. He was calm now but no less angry. He had nothing more to say in his own defense though he felt bad for Tsuki as her brother told her to get dressed. She seemed completely ashamed now. He made no move to stop either of them from leaving. He didn’t know which one of them he felt worse for until he realized he felt the worst for himself.

Losing a friend over something like this seemed horrifying to him.

It was his turn to be quiet and let S’jiro say whatever he wanted to say. Or anything. The other Bronzerider seemed less inclined to acknowledge his existence at the moment. Without Cymrioth’s usually buoyant optimism he found himself feeling quite lost. He was used to things going his way. For the first time in a very long time, he felt a loss of control over his life and it made him nervous.

Sh’nar did not like being the one without control in a relationship any more than he liked being out of control of his own life. Somehow things had become even worse for him with the realization that S’jiro was now the one in control of where their friendship would go, or if it would even continue.