There must be better ways of parting...[Tags: Veyani!]

It had been two days since the Masquerade took place, and S'jiro had been avoiding making contact with Veyani in that time, because he knew what would have to happen once they met again. S'jiro and Indylari, for the sake of their families, and the sake of her future, had decided to commit to one another in a marriage. Even though they both lived at the Weyr now, and perhaps others would argue that such methods were unnecessary and hidebound, neither of them seemed to be able to fully break away from the influence of their overbearing parents. For that reason, S'jiro suspected that, regardless of how they asserted this was all for Indy's secure future, it had far less to do with that, and much more to do with the personal ambitions of their mothers and fathers.

S'jiro's mother however, had been quite firm when writing to him the prior sevenday; and not just about taking better care of Indylari and fulfilling his duties as her son, but about taking the reins on his future. She had pressed the point that regardless of where he chose to reside, she and her husband would always be his parents. They did not ever want to forsake him, but she couldn't believe her son would refuse his duty to his parents, even if just this one last time -and not just for theirs, but for his own good. They were always only looking out for his well being.

Not only that, but the Lady Holder of High Hill had made it clear to him that his father had been left quite bereft, upon finding out that S'jiro had denied their 'request' that he go through with the engagement to such a sweet young girl. Obviously they had been too lenient on him in the past and had not taught him the value of such things in life. Had they not taught him obedience and love for his parents? Had they not always given him everything? Had they not bent over backwards to get him into the Weyr so that he could Impress? And when he'd been their only son and heir to High Hill Hold? How could he turn them down, now? What kind of son had he really turned out to be?

Of course, S'jiro knew they were right about those things. He had never been good at doing what they wanted him to do, and his parents had always given him everything -without question. They had made it possible for him to Impress Zemarith, and he owed them much more than what such a derelict son could re-pay. 

That was the reason that S'jiro had decided to buckle down and give his life more focus. That included paying better respects to Indylari, and committing himself to that relationship, if that is what his parents wanted. Because, in truth, S'jiro didn't want to be that kind of son. Regardless of how spoiled he might act sometimes, what S'jiro really wanted, was to achieve something on his own power -and that was likely the very reason he'd pushed Indy away from the start. The same reason he wanted to push himself apart from the Hold and the position he'd been born to. These were things he'd taken for granted, both hating them and loving them at the same time. 

These were things that would not achieve him what he truly wanted. And since he would not separate himself from the only lifestyle he knew, he could use it as a means by which to accomplish what he wanted in the end; and that was a rank befitting of his highborn blood. He did not feel destined to become a Weyrleader, but at Flight Lead or Weyr Second was enough to make his family proud. It was enough to make him feel as though he'd become significantly accomplished on his own terms.


Thus, the new focus of his life. He would put a stop to his old habits and start himself toward a new set of goals he'd aligned clearly before himself. In that way, he would no longer trouble his family, and he would be able to grow into a much better man. The accomplished and respectable sort of man that he was born to be.






As S'jiro finished up checking his riding straps for noticeable wear, he went to hang them along the far wall of the outer personal weyr where Zemarith napped. The ruddy bronze had been basking happily for the last hour or so, given that the sun hit his ledge just right at this time of day. The dragon seemed to glow where he laid with his head rested across his forelimbs; he was quite content.

The Bronzerider might have enjoyed laying in the sun with him for a bit, but for the pesky thoughts that had been distracting him. Even through the fog of wondering just how or when he should break things off with Veyani and tell her that he had decided on another path in life -one that didn't include her in it- the dragon's contentment brought him some sense of oddly placed peace. Probably, it only strengthened the resolve he felt about having made the decision he had. It was the 'right' decision. 

So, while Zemarith quietly snored, S'jiro went to sit on the stone beside him, where he could clean and polish his boots. Maybe sitting in the sun like his dragon, would help clear his mind of things.

Veyani did not have the same types of things occupying her mind. After all, she'd given up her life as a farming cotholder to come to the Weyr. There was no going back for her. She and her brother and sister had left without any promise they would be going back. Without any promise they would Impress. Their lives might not be as comfortable as some and maybe their parents would miss out on using them for advantage of farmland or beasts to be eaten. They had made a decision and all three of them had stuck to it.

She didn't have much to worry about generally because Veyani was so unconcerned about what might happen. She liked to live in the moment and throw caution to the wind. There was something bothering her though, as much as she wanted to ignore it. There was a feeling in her gut which told her something was not right.

I'll ask him. I'll ask him and he will be honest with me this time. She told herself as she walked up to the door of S'jiro's weyr. Her hand lightly tapping the door. He had been so off since the masquerade. While the love-making had been intense, passionate...fucking amazing, she found herself wondering why it felt like that was it. Then he never even tried to find her for a meal or even just a brief kiss in a passageway between work and chores. Something was so off and she just couldn't pretend everything was fine.

It was not fine. Something was wrong and he should know by now that Veyani was stubborn. "S'jiro, may I come in?" She asked, her airy voice carrying into his weyr.

The moment Veyani's voice sounded from the other side of the weyr, S'jiro felt his heart sink into his gut -likely the same terrible feeling that Veyani was starting to get.


"Come in."

The Bronzerider walked to where the outer weyr opened into closed off personal quarters, setting his boots by the door outside. Taking a deep breath, S'jiro moved just inside, though he did not go to meet her where she was at. Instead, his hands slid into his pockets; more because he was beginning to feel nervous and didn't know what else to do with them. He was also afraid he'd start feeling sick to his stomach. 

But no, S'jiro couldn't afford to let his resolve wither at this point. He'd made a decision about his future and his family and Indylari were depending on him. It was time he grew up. It was time to make some sacrifices.. for the better..

Surely this was all for the better.

Again she felt weird about entering because of his greeting. Nothing would stop her. She paused for only a moment, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as the door opened and she walked into the weyr. Her breath caught in her throat like it usually did when she saw him. S'jiro seemed so serious today, not that she hadn't seen him that way before. Lately though he had been happy to see her.

Something was off, indeed. Normally she might have come in closer but that gut feeling that told her something was off was also telling her to stay close to the door. Once the door was closed behind her, she walked a few steps forward so she could see his face more clearly.

Seeing his posture though made one thing clear to her. He was unhappy about something. No matter what he might think, Veyani loved him and had faith in their relationship. If he was unwell or having doubts he should talk to her. They could work anything out they wanted to because they loved eachother.

"S'jiro....are you alright?" Her brown eyes were full of concern.

When Veyani closed the door behind her and fixed that look of concern upon him, he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he was going to have to make this a really steep and hard fall for both of them. Knowing Veyani's optimistic attitude, and her way of arguing with him, she would likely try to try to talk things through, and reason with him, even if she fully understood how stubborn he was... But they were both that stubborn.

So, S'jiro would just have to make his words convincing. He'd have to say just the right things to hurt her and push her away. And when she could believe that she really had been led on, that all this had been for him was some game, then she would be able to move on with her life and live more peacefully. It would be that way, wouldn't it? Since the day they'd met, her life at the Weyr had been in chaos. He'd hurt her innumerable times and had tried to overcome her resilience and stubborn pride with insensitive tactics that would have broken the resolve of most girls. That had been why he liked her...

Nevertheless, Veyani needed to be able to live her life without him, and if she thought his heart truly still held any place for her within it, she would want to fight to hang onto it. He couldn't let that happen. So, without any more delay, the Bronzerider began in a casual tone. It was a tone that did well to mask the hurt in his heart just then. "I need to let you know that.." pausing with a bit of a sigh, S'jiro half turned toward the open door leading back out toward the outer weyr ledge, "some things have come up, and I'm going to be committing my time more to the Wing. And to Indylari. We plan to be married by the end of the summer, next Turn."

Veyani watched him carefully and at first was not sure what he was saying. He loved her. He told her as much and more just two nights ago. Her heart was pounding in her throat as she tried to make sense of what he meant. Well she wasn't going to settle for less than being his wife and he knew that. He had told his mother as much. His mother. She could feel an almost primal urge to go and scream at that woman. She was ruining his life. Why couldn't people leave well enough alone.

"Wh...what?" She didn't move any closer, stood where she was pinning him with a stare which he was avoiding by looking away from her. Veyani felt her control over herself to be limited.

"Why?"

The question of why was simple but it made complete sense to ask it before she got angry with him. She never knew how much he meant what he said. No doubt he knew exactly what he meant when he said things but they might not be read the way they were meant to.

Surely he hadn't just said he was marrying Indylari? He said he didn't love her. Was he seriously going back to a loveless life?

The show was on. Now that Veyani started to deny what he'd just said, S'jiro would have to play a convincing role. So, he steeled himself with premeditated words at the ready.

"Don't act so surprised." S'jiro's voice took on a slightly hardened edge as he brought his eyes back to meet her. At the same time, that same derisive look that he'd used on her when they first met, came back into his stare. 

"I told you exactly what would happen, from the very beginning, didn't I? But you just couldn't believe me."

The Bronzerider paused, but only long enough to take a quick breath and give her a moment to think back, "There are certain things I must be committed to. Anything else is just childish talk. You see, even if I felt anything for you, I told you from the start that you and I are not the same. Someone like me can never be friends, or anything more, with someone like you. We highborn don't make friends outside our own kind, because unlike you, there are plenty of people who would desire to gain access into our families for their own personal gain. But for you, those who say they want to be friends with you do so because they like you and understand you. The same rules of friendship do not apply to us.

"All of the time we spent together was just a joke." He had to smirk at that, creating an expression of superiority and amusement. At the same time, the Bronzerider, hands still in pockets, had turned back toward her and started closing the distance between them. "But I've always been playing pranks on you, haven't I? You were such an idiot to start believing in them. It was my goal all along to make you feel accepted and then make you realize how foolish you were to stand up to me. I had to make you realize just how insignificant you are." 

When S'jiro had reached her, he leaned forward so that he was a little closer to her height, his gaze hardening even more so. Though he left another short pause, he went on relentlessly, as though that past together still angered him, "So, tell me, Veyani. How does it feel, to finally learn your place in life? To know that I am right, because in the end, it is I who has won the battle."

She caught his tone, realizing where things were going, she watched without expression. Which if he had taken the time to notice, would have been enough for him to know she didn't believe a word he was saying. As he kept going, she recalled the beginning when they had met. She also thought over time there was a slight shift in how he had seen her and though he might deny it now, she knew better than to believe what he was saying about this being a game. He had to say it, she told herself, because the truth was too hard for him.

When he came close, even-though he meant to show his superiority, she sucked in a heated breath. Her hand moved before she said anything. Her palm moving quickly to strike at his cheek. "This is not a game and you know it." While it would have been smart to move away lest he feel the need to retaliate, she stood her ground.

"That is a load of crap, S'jiro. Be honest with me." Her brown eyes were level with his as she stared him down. "This has more to do with your own decision than to do with elitism. Why don't I illuminate the situation for you."

Veyani was not an idiot. He might think her one, he might think she had no concept of the world and how it worked but she was a quick learner and she understood very well how S'jiro's family had worked when she met his mother. "I love you."

"But that isn't enough for your parents. Nor you apparently, though you said otherwise. You have been told to set me aside and choose Indylari and stay in the good graces of your family."

She paused, "Please feel free to tell me I'm wrong..."

When Veyani's hand struck the side of his face, S'jiro's head moved with it -but only just. His skin had probably taken on a reddish tint along with it, given that the sting had been significant, but the Bronzerider didn't let on to it, by his expression.

Instead, S'jiro stood upright, fixing his eyes on her again. Taking his hands from his pockets, his right hand came up to feel on the side of his face where she'd struck, as he deliberated what to say in response. He had known Veyani was going to be ever persistent, like this. She always was. And the harder he fought, the harder she fought. It was impossible for either of them...

Anyway, what he'd said was true -the part about the rules of friendship. Whatever else she wanted to believe or not believe was up to her. 


She paused, "Please feel free to tell me I'm wrong..."


"You want me to be honest? To tell you you're wrong? The pleasure is all mine." His eyes narrowed, his tone becoming laced with more cruel intent.

"That is your critical flaw, Veyani. You always believe whatever you want to believe, even if the truth is right in front of you. I don't know how else to tell you that this has always been a game to me. Your love, nor anyone else's, is going to change this world enough to alter the circumstances of my birth and upbringing. You cannot change that my station requires that I make certain compromises in my life in order to fulfill a duty that I am bound to. It is a duty that entails far more than just pleasing my mother; no matter what you might want to think. But you have no way of even beginning to comprehend that. You will never understand what it is to be the son or daughter of a Holder. Never."

It was apparent by that point, that her words had struck a sensitive chord for him, seeing as the emotion he spoke with seemed even more genuine. "There is nothing in this world that ties you down. You have no responsibilities. So let me elaborate this one more difference between us." He paused for a breath, "I was born into a world full of responsibilities and near-impossible expectations. Who are you to you say that I can just sweep them all under the rug at my convenience? Even if I act quite free, I do not have every freedom that you seem to think I do. Even if I am not a Holder, as the son of one, there are still some people I must answer to. My greater actions will always have some consequence."

S'jiro tried to give her some example, "What if the marriage between myself and Indylari is the deciding factor of trade agreements between Crafts, which will determine whether or not High Hill Hold receives enough rice or wheat from surrounding producers to keep the people fed through the next year without having a shortage in the coming winter? If you knew what lives hung in that balance, becoming determined by my decision, would you have me say no to marrying Indylari?"

Indeed, it was an unfair method which both S'jiro and Indylari's mothers had woven into the marriage agreement and used to further pressure the two into joining hands. S'jiro could despise them. Women were always up to their own vile scheming.

"There are many such scenarios I could portray for you. I told you, anything else is just childish talk. This betrothal is not a simple matter that can so easily be undone. But you are right to think that it has nothing to do with Love. Liken it to the Weyrleader and Weyrwoman, if you must. Our lives aren't so romantic. Love is not a requirement when it comes to conducting business as usual about the Hold or Weyr. There are always compromises to be made.

"To gain something, you also have to lose something. I had to give up the ability to choose my own weyrmate for a better cause. Call me a selfish dimglow if you want -but Indylari isn't so bad, and your opinions, nor your Love, are going to change an agreement like that, that's already been finalized."

After that, that the Bronzerider turned from her again, and then a moment later, began walking back toward the door. It was a slow pace, and if she wanted to she could easily stop him.

"Our little game was fun while it lasted. It was fun, giving you hope. But I've known it from the beginning, that it would work out like this."

"Right because people of your status are the only ones who have to make sacrifices in order to better their family's position." She shook her head and sighed, "If you want to be their puppet S'jiro I cannot stop you. The only person who can make choices in your life and how you live it is you." She didn't want to be like him or his family or anyone else who thought like they did. She had enough of those types at home at the cothold. If you marry this person you gain the family this. It was the same principle, just more money and more supplies involved.

He could as he pleased and she would do as she pleased. "There are other ways they can compromise in order to get the things they want from each-other." She said coolly. "You've simply chosen the easier path S'jiro. It is easier for you to break my heart than to deal with a life time of ebing told what you need to do for the family."

She was angry but she refused to cry in front of him, especially when he had chosen to express no remorse nor any emotion at all really. He had closed himself off again.

"I hope you are happy with your choice for yourself S'jiro." She said softly, shaking her head, knowing he was only going to continue to be stubborn. She could fight harder but to what end? He had steeled himself against her before she had even come through the door. Before she even knew what was going on. "I know you've decided not to be in a relationship with me because of power and position for your family. Call it whatever you want to. Tell yourself it is the right thing to do. Deep down you know you will never be happy or feel complete again without love."

She walked to the door and opened it for herself, " Goodbye." She didn't even bother to look at him. It took all she had to keep her cool because she would have preferred to ball her eyes out like a normal teenage girl.

Hearing Veyani's footsteps become more distant as she headed toward the door, S'jiro pivoted half way around, watching her reach for the door. Already, he was feeling sick to his stomach. That sinking feeling in his chest had deepened and he knew it was because Veyani was about to do what he'd been trying to get her to do -walk out of his life.

All the same, for that reason, he shouted after her, "Easy? You think -" The Bronzerider growled under his breath then, deciding to stalk after her. Just before she opened the door, he caught her arm, pinning her with a glare.

"If you're going to start a whole new argument, then don't try walking away from it!" In truth, S'jiro wasn't sure if it was a totally different argument or not, but it sounded good, at least. Really, the Bronzerider just didn't want to see her go. Once she stepped through that door, she would be gone. He knew that he should have just let her go instead of intervening in any way, but he couldn't stop himself.

"I don't know which of us is more conceited, then! The one who can't ever make a right decision, or the one who presumes to tell everyone what they can and cannot do, based on the compass of her own heart! Who cares about the heart of others, huh? Who cares if they're just doing the best they can do? "

All of a sudden awkward with his words, S'jiro stuttered a moment, "Y-you know what!? Fine! If you want to go, get out of my weyr! I don't want you anymore! Just get out!"

Truthfully, he didn't know what else to say. There wasn't much else to say. He just felt the need to solidify that feeling between them both somehow -that he didn't want her. Even though they both knew it was a lie.

Why was he stopping her? She wondered, eyes working not to fill with tears. the longer he kept her here the more likely she would cry. Used to be she never cried but now she was at the Weyr and crying seemed inevitable. Or maybe that was only when S'jiro was involved? With his hand on her arm, she avoided his gaze because he would see that she was fighting back tears.

"Oh S'jiro, you, silly..." He shouldn't be touching her or keeping her there. He was angry with her now, yes but she was not to blame entirely for this moment. He was the one who had chosen to break things off with her. Once again she saw how he valued his own desires much more lowly than his family's. It was his life, he should have some say in it. She shook her head, "I know you are capable of better."

She glanced at him momentarily when he started to ell at her to go. If he saw tears then, it wasn't her intention because she just wanted to look at him one more time before the door was open and she was through it. Veyani wished so badly that he would let her stay with him and help him work through the things his parents had laid against him. There had to be another way, even if Indylari wanted the marriage but Veyani had never gotten the feeling from S'jiro that either of them were enthused about it.

Veyani wouldn't fight for something he didn't want. If he didn't want her then she would have to leave him alone. It was difficult, putting her hand on the door, she saw it trembling, unable to get a good hold at first. When she did and it opened, she took in a deep breath and looked straight ahead.

"As you wish."

He was making her cry. The thought of doing so created a new point of stabbing pain in his heart. And upon hearing Veyani's final words, he too, started to feel choked up.

That's right. He wanted this. He wanted her to leave. He needed her to leave him. Right? So, when he put her hand back to the door, S'jiro released her arm to put hands back in his pockets.

Angling himself away from her again, he tried to manage a few words with that same derisive tone as earlier. Only, It probably didn't come across that way. "Don't worry... you won't have to worry about me coming into your life again, either. I'll be too focused on other things to trample on you, anymore. But, I hope you've learned something from all of this, because if I'm not there to do it, someone else will try to, instead. So, just... don't let anybody do that. Okay?"

It was so difficult for S'jiro to let her go, but if he had to... he wanted to make sure that at least she wasn't gong to let anyone else hurt her. She'd been hurt enough by him, and this was the only way he could express that eternal concern for her her, without being too direct. After all, he'd just said terrible things to her, in order to get her to leave him and never want to think about him again.

But, as the Bronzerider was finding out, it was easier -much easier- to pretend to like somebody. Pretending not to like someone, was much harder.