The price of happiness [Tags: Indy and Z'rim]

At what price was one able to attain a perfect happiness? Was there such a thing?

Was there a case in which all personal ideals matched up to the expectations, providing contentment in all aspects of one's life at the same time? Or was something like that impossible? Or was it that a person had to be lacking in completeness in some area of their life in order to fully appreciate what existed in all the others?





S'jiro had been the last couple candlemarks or so in his Weyr talking things through with Zemarith, letting the tears wrought of his own heartache flow as freely as Veyani had, by that point. The dragon's eyes whirled sorrowfully, reflecting the pain he felt for his rider's situation. Zemarith crooned, having laid his head beside the spot where S'jiro leaned up against him.

Eventually, the grief turned to anger, and things were thrown or broken, but Zemarith's calming words brought his rider back into the reaches of sanity.

My rider, you had many reasons to make the decision you made. If that is well with you, then you can do this without regrets. It will be hard to go back on your word, now, so please calm down. If it is hard for you, I will love you even more. I am always here for you. You have a fine opportunity to focus on our promotion, anyway. Didn't the Weyrwoman come to you asking if we were interested in taking Wingsecond, at Igen Weyr?

Yes. Yes! Frustration and grief came through his words. The Bronzerider knew that Zemarith was right. The Bronze was only trying to be supportive of him in a decision he'd thought he'd made without having to look back second guessing himself. But this feeling of loss was too much. It was a terrible struggle for S'jiro to pick himself up now, and pretend not to like Veyani and move forward. He would have to focus all of his thoughts and energy on the promotion, and on Indy, in order to not let the hurt in his heart overrule the logic with which he thought he was able to justify all the reasons behind his decision.


At length, the Bronzerider went to bathe, so that he could relax and clear his mind, retaining that focus he'd had before Veyani came. It hurt now, removing her from that place in his life that she'd found her way into, but it would all be for the better. He had to ensure that his focus was driven by similar determination now, to accomplish his goal for this next Turn, and make sure the wedding between he and Indylari was perfect, and then none of it would be in vain. If he failed though, to achieve what he'd set his mind to, then all of the heartache was for nothing.


For that reason, as soon as S'jiro dried himself form his bath and was dressed again, he left to seek out Indylari. Of course, the first place he looked was her room at the barracks.

Knocking at the door, the Bronzerider waited for her to answer.

Since their parents had laid down the law, Indylari had been forced into her fiance's company more than she really wanted to be. She wanted some quiet, alone time most evenings. She wasn't really one to enjoy boisterous company. She was sitting in her favorite chair, reading a book when he knocked on her door. Of course she was just assuming it was her fiance because no one else would stop by.

Cracking the door, she peered out and saw S'jiro. "Please come in S'jiro. Make yourself comfortable." She spoke stiffly, not because she wanted him to not be comfortable but because he made her uncomfortable. Nothing about their situation had ever run smoothly. They were supposed to have some attraction for eachother but everything was so forced between them.

Indylari never relaxed enough around him to even consider how to be more agreeable. "Can I get you anything?" She asked, wrapping her dark purple shawl around her shoulder's even more tightly.

"There's no need."

Just as Indylari was wrapping her shawl about her shoulders more tightly, S'jiro stepped inside the door, assuming she'd close it behind him. Maybe it didn't matter if she did or didn't -he hadn't planned on being here with her for very long anyway. After all, the more he was around the Candidate Barracks, the more likely he was to cross paths with Veyani, and that was something he'd promised to try to avoid.

He supposed, in the future, he would have to call Indylari to his Weyr, or perhaps to the Bronze Four's private lounge area, instead. But for now, here was the only place to speak to her.

It was evident that S'jiro was upset, but he had allowed himself to calm a bit, and letting the tears out earlier, had helped a bit. He didn't suspect however, that he'd be getting over his parting with Veyani any time soon, but he needed to watch himself closely, and not allow himself to dwell on it. He had to keep his mind set, focused on the future. Then, everything would be easier.

Even though the Bronzerider had a handle on his emotions for the time being, his tone was still firm, giving the underlying impression that there was a upsetting reason for his visit.

"I need you to hear me out." He knew she didn't care to listen -at least, that's how he felt, when he was around her.

"I need you to know I'm fully dedicated now -to you, to a better future." He was turning to face her, letting on a rather serious expression as he went on, "I am not going to be famous for nothing the rest of my life. Zemarith and I have been offered a promotion in rank, which will come soon, and we fully intend on making the most of it. I would like for us to be married by that time, too. There's no sense in putting it off any longer."

The Bronzerider's eyes were watchful of her expression then, gauging just what kind of stance she was going to take on what he had to say. So, it was after a soft, slightly resigned breath, that he firmed his resolve with a clench of his jaw, he went on to ask a little more conversationally, "Have you heard anything about a set date yet?" For the wedding, that was. His own mother had yet to tell him anything of a specific date.

She didn't close the door, thinking it might save her some issues later if she did. Indylari had patience in abundance and perhaps that was part of the problem when dealing with her future husband. He liked someone to get riled up and challenge him but she was not that kind of person. Nor would him being upset change that about her. She was quiet when he spoke, sitting down in her chair.

Listening to him was not her strong suit but she would listen when he asked her to. He just didn't like what she said in response, ever. As far as she was concerned she thought she had taken everything quite well. All of it. Had she complained about anything to him? No. She had not become angry or upset when she found out that things between them had to change once again. She had handled everything without putting so much as a toe out of line.

What right did he have to act like she was the one ruining his life? He wanted to get over all this as soon as possible by moving up the Wedding. Well that was absurd. She had her own life, which he seemed to be completely unconcerned about. Changing Weyrs? These were things one should discuss with one's fiance but not after a decision had already been made. She wanted to be consulted, relied on for advice but as far as she could tell S'jiro did not care how she felt about any of it except to tell her he was not with Veyani anymore. Like she cared about that little farm girl. He could bed the girl as much as he wanted, it kept him busy and away from her.

Maybe she should be more appreciative. He was trying to devote himself to her. How long would that last though? She knew S'jiro well enough that he would not last an entire lifetime without some fiery passion in his life and she was not the fiery passion sort.

"There is no sense in YOU putting it off any longer." She rebutted, "I however also have plans and a promotion coming to me if I Impress or don't Impress. Changing Weyrs would completely ruin things for me." Indylari shrugged about the date, "My parents think I should be given more time to pursue rank of my own before our marriage. Of course your parents disagree. They feel you need to be married to keep you out of trouble."

Whether she thought so or not, S'jiro was saying these things to let her know that he might one day be the kind of husband she could be proud of having married. He might not love her in the way she wanted to be loved at this time, but they could learn to love one another. He was focusing himself on his role as a Dragonrider now more than ever, for her benefit, too. And wasn't that a kind of expression of love?

It was to the benefit of them all: Indylari, his parents, himself... Looking forward, he was going to be a different person. He wanted her to see that. He too, didn't want to be miserable in their union together. Perhaps he'd been too distracted in the past, from all the childish things he'd let get in their way, but he was changing all of that. If he was going to keep his mind off of Veyani... he'd have to secure his focus on the right things.

Setting his jaw rigidly, in a way of storing and calming the tension he felt, S'jiro swallowed any immediate response to her before taking a breath. Glancing about the room then, he seemed to be thinking, or perhaps just letting the sadness and the anxiety he had been feeling to simmer down a bit. So, it was at length that he spoke up again, "I know it's my fault -that they're pushing everything forward. But, we can both work on our promotions even after we have married. The wedding isn't going to change any of that; and it will take pressure off of you, since there won't be any reason for you to worry about all of that." And wasn't securing her a better future what the wedding had been for, primarily? At least initially? If she was going to forger her own high-road, and insisted on doing that first, then what was the use of their being together?

"For now, can you focus on making what preparations you find necessary for the wedding? After that, I won't say anything about your plans for promotion in the future; whatever they end up being, wherever they end up taking you. I will do what I can to be accommodating of that." When he was done speaking, S'jiro still appeared as though he might be hiding some frustration beneath the surface, but at least he didn't seem as upset as when he came in. He was trying to be nice to her, and show her that he wanted to work together with her instead of apart from one another, as they had always done in the past.

She looked down at her hands which were placed in her lap. Indy knew he wouldn't like what she had to say about any of this. She should have known he was going to be stubborn. He always was. He only saw things his way and how it work out for him. Just as equally, she thought the same. What would be better for her in the long run?

Having fallen silent, she bit her bottom lip in thought. "S'jiro I do appreciate all the thought you have put into our future. I'm not very good at adjusting to fast changes so I'll be candid. I know that we have some differences of opinion on how we want to pursue the future. Now that you are feeling increased pressure from your family it would make sense to move things along more quickly." She said in acknowledgement of what he was insisting they do.

"I need time. I don't know how to help you understand me." Her eyes looked back up at him, more beseeching him to try to give her more time, "Since we are going to be married regardless, can it not wait till after the Hatching?" The thought on her mind was, what if she Impressed? If she did then she couldn't tie her Gold down to one male dragon and it wouldn't be fair to S'jiro at all.

"Until then we could do normal couple things. Maybe go to the rider's betting together?"

To S'jiro, Indylari seemed somewhat pitiful and almost lost, where she sat in the chair, listening and trying quietly to accept everything that was happening between them; to the best of her ability. The Bronzerider could see in her eyes that she was having difficulty -if not with him, then the situation. So, he knew she was speaking the truth of her feelings.

Truthfully, S'jiro wanted to argue, and say that it didn't matter whether or not they adjusted to eachother now or later; either way, it was unlikely that their feelings for eachother would change any time soon. Their understanding of one another also mattered little in their marriage. It was unnecessary and, like love, would come when it would come.

S'jiro put his hands into his pockets, closing his eyes and dropping his chin a bit, as he seemed to be brooding over her words. It was obvious he was holding his thoughts back, though admittedly he had other things to be upset about today, so his frustration wasn't strictly over Indylari.

It was equally as obvious however, in his manner of speaking, that with the words to follow, he was actually trying to be patient with her, and not be upset. "I... ...We can talk about it more later. It may take until then for all of the plans to fall into place for it, anyway." There. He was trying to be more agreeable with her, though it was still clear he wasn't telling her it was okay to put it off for too long. If he was going to be forced to marry,he wasn't going to wait forever. That would be equally inconsiderate of his own feelings.


S'jiro turned himself partially back toward the door, as though he might be able to head back through it, then. "Anyway, that's all I came to say."